Naked at Our Age / Better Than I Ever Expected -- Joan Price -- Sex & Aging Views & News

Why is senior sex invisible in magazines?

2012-01-25T09:57:00.000-08:00

Jennifer Nelson

Health and lifestyle writer Jennifer Nelson is blogging about women's magazines at http://stilettonation.wordpress.com/. For a book she's writing titled Stiletto Nation: The Lure and Loathing of Women's Magazines (Seal Press), Jennifer asked me for a quote about whether the sex articles in the women's magazines portray a realistic image of real-life sex in our age group.

This was my response:

As an older woman and a spokesperson for ageless sexuality, I find that my age group is largely invisible in the women's magazines' treatment of sexuality. The only exception is when they notice the gorgeous sex appeal of an older celebrity, like Helen Mirren. But celebrate the sexuality of the rest of us older women, or offer us sexual self-help? No, that's only for those without wrinkles -- or life experience!

After responding to Jennifer and posting this on my Naked at Our Age Facebook page (which I hope you'll "like" and follow!), this topic stayed on my mind and kept giving me frown wrinkles. I decided to consult you:

Do you find that any magazine -- women's or men's -- treats seniors as sexual beings and gives honest, helpful, candid information about sexuality at our age? I know, this blog does that (thank you!) -- but can you pick up any print magazine at the supermarket or bookstore that doesn't ignore our sexuality?

Contrast that with the dozens of magazine covers -- featuring wrinkle-free, airbrushed, cleavage-enhanced women and virile, muscular, ab-enhanced men -- that promise the ultimate answer about what he/she wants in bed, or 10 tips to seduce or thrill your partner, reignite your relationship, fulfill your/his/her fantasies... do I need to go on?

Why is senior sex invisible in magazines? More important, how can we change that? That's what I want to know.

Senior Erotica Anthology: Call for Submissions

2012-01-18T09:28:00.000-08:00

(1/18/12: I'm moving this post to the top because we're so close to the Feb. 1 deadline. The submissions are coming in quickly now, and I'm having a delicious time reading them. If you submitted, even months ago, hold on -- acceptances will go out by mid-February. If you haven't submitted yet, please read the guidelines carefully first. I look forward to hearing from you!)

(11/20/11: We have many new readers, thanks to placing #14 of the 100 Best Sex Bloggers 2011 and being recently featured on the front page of Suddenly Senior, so I'm bringing this Call for Submissions to the top again. Please send me your complete contact info if you'd like to submit a story or personal essay to this anthology. The submission isn't due until February, but I'd like your contact info ahead. Please read my updates at end.)

Joan Price is seeking erotic stories and memoir essays of high literary quality from writers over age 50, featuring steamy characters also over age 50, for a senior erotica anthology to be published Spring 2013 by Seal Press.

Will this be your typical erotica anthology with a few wrinkles?

No, the truth is that we seniors don’t respond to the sopping-wet panties and rock-hard erections that are the hallmark of traditional, youth-oriented erotica. Instead, we want erotica that we can relate to, that encompasses the changes and adaptations of age, that acknowledges how we like to be stimulated. Age is accepted, celebrated, and sensually enjoyed.

Characters may be having spicy sex with partners they love and have loved for decades; or with new loves or casual encounters; or solo with hands, vibrators, memories, and fantasies. Although I admit my bias towards erotica that is tender and loving, I’m also looking for edgy and kinky stories for a balanced collection.

Seal Press and I will choose submissions of high literary quality, not just good, explicit sex scenes. Arouse us with a sexy, well-crafted plot we haven’t read before, characters who entice us and feel real to us, language that describes sex in a new way. I welcome diversity of all kinds, including race, ethnic background, gender identification, sexual orientation, disability, and every other kind of diversity.

Word length: 1,500-3,000 words, previously unpublished preferred.

Payment: $100 on acceptance and 2 copies of the book on publication.

Submission deadline: February 1, 2012 (earlier submissions preferred). Please submit Word document, double-spaced, Times or Times New Roman font. Authors may submit up to 2 contributions.

Before you submit (right now would be good!), please email me at SeniorErotica@gmail.com with the header “senior erotica submission” and include your 75-100-word author bio written in the third person and complete contact information: legal name, pseudonym if applicable, mailing address, email address, and phone. Please include your age, also (which won’t be public unless you want it to be). I’ll put you in my database of potential contributors and update you as the project progresses.

Please feel free to copy and forward.

Thank you!

Joan Price

Updates -- please read:

9/22/11 update: I'm receiving submissions already -- thank you! I'd prefer the sex scenes to take place at the characters' current age (over 50, 60, 70...). A story or two with flashbacks to younger years is fine, but I'm getting too many youthful flashbacks and too few current-age erotic scenes. What makes a story sexy and arousing at our age? That's your challenge!

10/4/11: Please read this new post updating what I'm seeking -- even if you already submitted your story.

11/1/11: I know it's tempting to write about older characters having sex with impossibly attractive, young partners, and yes, it's ok if you've written a truly fabulous story in that vein -- but I'd love to see more stories about older characters who are wildly attracted to each other and have amazing sex together. Let's show our youth-oriented culture (and ourselves!) that we're sexy at this age, too.

11/13/11: I’m pedaling away on my Fitdesk, rereading the 30 erotica submissions I’ve received already. It's too early to officially accept any contributions, but I can't resist sharing with you that I absolutely love five of these stories. The ones that work incorporate seamlessly and unapologetically the realities of making love as an older person, whether it’s the man taking a pill or the woman applying lubricant or one of them placing a pillow under creaky knees before giving oral sex. Meanwhile, the focus is on the gradual building of the erotic details, as the author brings the sex scene to life and invites the reader to join the characters' arousal. "How the heck do I accomplish that?" you may ask. Only really good writers manage it, those who are our age and can describe what great sex feels like now. Looking forward to seeing your submission!

11/18/11: I've received contact information & bios from 51 writers, inquiries from about 20 more, submissions from 30. Clearly this is an idea whose time has come! If you are interested in submitting, please send the contact info/bio ahead so you're in my database. We have plenty of time before submissions are due, but don't wait if yours is ready.

11/20/11: It's a fine balance between erotically arousing and realistic older sex, isn't it? A few writers are doing that brilliantly--but many get stuck in gloom or reverie rather than bringing to life the exuberance of senior/elder sex. Some have so much story going on that the actual erotic part is bare; others are just writing the sex scene, without a story. Again, it's a fine balance, and it takes a skillful writer to make it work.

Joan's Upcoming Events

2012-01-12T00:00:00.000-08:00

I'd love to meet you in person! As events are scheduled, I'll post them here.

If you are interested in having me speak at your event or to your organization, please email me. See more information about my aging and sexuality talks here. (I also speak about fitness -- click here.)

Thurs., Feb. 9, 2012, 6-9 pm. Osmosis Day Spa Sanctuary in Freestone, CA, hosts a Sex and Romance event with food, wine, and Joan Price sharing Tips for Better Sex -- Whether You're Partnered or Not! at 7 pm and 8 pm. How can you make sex better, whether you’re in a relationship or solo? Learn tips for all ages from teens to seniors from senior sexpert Joan Price, author of Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex and Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty. Joan’s upbeat, candid, often humorous talk will send you home with new ideas and new things to try! $20 per adult, call (707) 823-8231 to RSVP, spaces limited. Vitality Members must reserve in advance to gain admittance! Details here.

Sat., February 11- Sun., February 12, 2012, Joan Price returns to Kama Sutra Closet in Ventura, CA for two senior sex workshops on Saturday: "Ask Me, I'll Tell You: Women and Men Talk Out Loud about Sex and Aging" for couples and singles and "How the Heck Do I Date at This Age?" for singles only. Then she repeats these workshops on Sunday in Santa Barbara, CA. Details coming soon. Email Joan if you'd like to be notified when details are set.

Sun., Feb. 26, 2012, 1:30-5 pm, How the Heck Do I Date at This Age? in Marin County, CA. You’re ready to connect for dating, sex, love, companionship – but dating as a senior feels awkward ) and weird. What are the guidelines? How do you navigate online dating, write a cool profile, avoid the pitfalls, and evade the weirdos? When do you bring up safer sex, your personal sexual issues, or sex at all? Whether you’re widowed, divorced, or a longtime single, you’ll find this interactive workshop illuminating and fun, and you’ll get to find out how other single seniors meet and mate (or try to). All genders and orientations welcome. Joan Price, author of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty and Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex – and a widow trying to figure out how to date at her age – leads this workshop. Location is a lovely, private home in Novato -- you'll get the address after you preregister by emailing Joan. $35 prepaid by check or PayPal; $45 at the door. Free gifts: books, Blossom Organics lubricant, and more--including a flattering photo of you for your online profile, if you wish! Bring a notebook, your online profile if you have one, and a sense of humor.

Sun., March 4, 2012, 12:30-4 pm, How the Heck Do I Date at This Age? at Gaia’s Garden, 1899 Mendocino Ave., Santa Rosa, CA 95401. You’re ready to connect for dating, sex, love, companionship – but dating as a senior feels awkward and weird. What are the guidelines? How do you navigate online dating, write a cool profile, avoid the pitfalls, and evade the weirdos? When do you bring up safer sex, your personal sexual issues, or sex at all? Whether you’re widowed, divorced, or a longtime single, you’ll find this interactive workshop illuminating and fun, and you’ll get to find out how other single seniors meet and mate (or try to). All genders and orientations welcome. Thirty million Americans age 55 and older are single, so welcome to the club with no rules! Joan Price, author of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty and Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex – and a widow trying to figure out how to date at her age – leads this workshop. Singles only, $30 prepaid, $35 at the door, Gaia’s Garden's homemade soup, salad, and bread included. Free gifts: books, Blossom Organics lubricant, and more--including a flattering photo of you for your online profile, if you wish! Get details and register by emailing Joan. Bring a notebook, your online profile if you have one, and a sense of humor.

March 30 - April 1, 2012, Joan Price speaks about "Senior Sex Out Loud" at MOMENTUM, Washington, DC. Geared toward anyone interested in intelligent conversations about the influence of new media on sexuality, MOMENTUM provides a safe place to listen, discuss and learn about sexualities and gender without the fear of reprisal or shaming. It is a space for acceptance and appreciation of diversity, including for those in the LGBTQ, sex-work, BDSM and non-monogamous communities.

Sunday, April 1, 2012, 6-8:30 pm, workshop: Ask Me, I'll Tell You: Women and Men Talk Out Loud about Sex and Aging, at Secret Pleasures, 1510 U Street NW, Washington, D.C. 20009 . We’re talking about senior sex—the challenges, the pleasures, and all the questions we didn’t think we could ask out loud. What arouses us now, when the old ways aren’t working like they used to? What do we wish we understood and could communicate better about our changing bodies, desires, and responses? How do we spice up our sexual repertoire? In this eye opening, interactive, mixed-gender workshop, you’ll get to voice your questions and get answers. Joan Price, author of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty and Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex, guides the conversation and discovery, and offers tips for putting the zest back into later-life sexuality. For couples and singles, men and women. $20 in advance, $25 at the door, (202)664-1476.

Saturday, April 28, 2012, 10:45-11:45, Joan Price moderates a panel on Writing About Sex for the American Society of Journalists and Authors annual conference, Roosevelt Hotel, New York City. This premier writing conference is open to established writers and new writers, with two days of public sessions. Tracks include Books, Marketing,Technology, Online, Breaking In. Details to come.

Radio, TV, Internet Radio: Online Now

Morning Blend on TODAY'S TMJ4, Milwaukee, October 3, 2011. We talk to author Joan Price about her new book, Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex. It addresses the real problems that people over 50, 60, and 70 encounter in trying to maintain the joy of sexuality. View the interview here.

KRON 4 TV's Henry Tenenbaum interviews Joan about how bodies, sex, and libido change, and asks Joan a dating question.

Ageless Sexuality. Betty Dodson and Carlin Ross interview Joan Price about how sex changes as you age, what we can look forward to, and making this a time for breaking rules and discovering your own sexual fluidity. Hear the lively and outrageous podcast here.

Hot Sox: Sex and Aging. Sex educator Jamye Waxman interviews pro-aging sexpert Joan Price about a myriad of senior sex topics and and, yes, about her personal life -- you'll learn a lot! Read Jamye's summary and get links to the podcast here, or listen directly here.

Love Letters Live: Janet Gallin interviews Joan Price about her love story with artist Robert Rice: how they met, how Joan pursued Robert, and how they finally fell in love. Gallin's radio show, Love Letters Live, promotes the idea of writing love letters (and mailing them!) to support or thank someone, or set things straight. Hear her interview with Joan here.

The Lovely Truth About Aging and Sex. Hear Joan interviewed by Wendy Strgar at Care2.com. Ever wonder about the twilight years of human sexuality? Listen as Joan Price, senior sexpert and author of Better Than I Ever Expected and Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex dispels the myths of aging sexuality and replaces the current medicalized notions of sexual dysfunction with a candid conversation about how sex lives and intimate relationships can change and heal us over time. Inspired by her own late life love affair, Joan offers a candid look at the challenges and surprises of re-discovering and connecting with your erotic self, which is ageless.

Growing Bolder: It's Not About Age; It's About Attitude. Part of Growing Bolder is being able to talk about anything. Even sex! When Joan Price wrote "Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex," she knew she might get some raised eyebrows. Even Joan admits that many of us were raised to not talk about intimacy at any age, and certainly not over the age of 50. But she's determined to battle against what she calls ageism -- and wants to battle stereotypes that people over 50 are asexual or even uninterested in sexual relationships, and make it less taboo to talk about our needs. Do men have an easier time than women? Does body image play a role in misconceptions about relationships after 50? Joan talks about the power of touch, what it takes to change our own minds (and then change the minds of others) why she thinks that sex can be be better at 60 than at 20! Hear Joan's interview here.

Psychotherapist Dr. Diana Wiley interviewed Joan on Love, Lust, and Laughter twice. Hear the first interview here and the second here.

WebTalkRadio: Have you ever worried about how aging will affect your sexuality? Ageless sexuality advocate Joan Price addresses the challenges of older age sex with Laurie Handlers on Sex and Happiness. Laurie asks Joan about body image, lack of lubrication, using sex toys alone and with a partner, grief, and more. Hear this revealing, hour-long interview here.

BlogTalkRadio. Dr. Veronica Anderson hosts "Sex And The Senior Citizen." Baby boomers are not through revolutionizing our society. Now, as they start to become seniors, they are taking along their expectations of an active, fulfilling sex life. Having grown up with The Pill, today's seniors have a different mindset about sex from their parents: intimacy, romance, even recreation. And that other pill (the little blue one) doesn't hurt either. Even nursing homes are now adopting policies so they don't "interrupt" their patients' private moments. Now 40% of men between 75 and 85 consider themselves sexually active. Guests include Joan Price, author of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty. Listen to the podcast here.

Recently completed events:
Sun., December 18, 2011, 1-4 pm, How the Heck Do I Date at This Age? at Gaia’s Garden, 1899 Mendocino Ave., Santa Rosa, CA 95401. You’re ready to connect for dating, sex, love, companionship – but dating as a senior feels awkward and weird. What are the guidelines? How do you navigate online dating, write a cool profile, avoid the pitfalls, and evade the weirdos? When do you bring up safer sex, your personal sexual issues, or sex at all? Whether you’re widowed, divorced, or a longtime single, you’ll find this interactive workshop illuminating and fun, and you’ll get to find out how other single seniors meet and mate (or try to). All genders and orientations welcome. Thirty million Americans age 55 and older are single, so welcome to the club with no rules! Joan Price, author of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty and Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex – and a widow trying to figure out how to date at her age – leads this workshop. Singles only, $25 prepaid, $30 at the door, Gaia’s Garden's homemade soup, salad, and bread included. Get details and register by emailing Joan. Bring a notebook and a sense of humor.

Saturday, Oct. 29, 2011, Ventura, CA: Full day of Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex with Joan Price at Kama Sutra Closet, 451 E. Main Street, #6, Ventura, 10-3, hosted by Kama Sutra Closet. During the day Joan will be Shattering the 5 Biggest Myths about Sex and Aging, conducting a workshop: "Ask Me, I'll Tell You: Women and Men Talk Out Loud about Sex & Aging," and answering audience questions. Singles mixer at end of event, if you want! Lunch included. $35. Reserve your spot here.

September 30, 2011, 9 am-4 pm: ASSECT workshop: Joan Price, Ellen Barnard, and Myrtle Wilhite present Senior Sex: Challenges and Opportunities. We'll learn about the particular issues faced by seniors (60+) regarding sexual health, pleasure and satisfaction, and share strategies on ways to support and enhance rewarding intimacy for everyone as they age. Included is a physician’s view of medications used for various chronic diseases in older folks, highlighting the ones that are likely to result in the fewest sexual side effects. Open to Wisconsin AASECT chapter members and other professionals, by preregistration only. Lunch included. Contact Ellen Barnard for details.

September 30, 2011, 6:30-7:30, A Room Of One's Own , 307 W Johnson St., Madison,Wisconsin. Senior sex talk, reading, Q and A with Joan Price. A Room of One's Own Feminist Bookstore has been a fixture in downtown Madison, Wisconsin since 1975!

October 1, 2011, Madison, and October 2, 2011, Milwaukee, 11 am-1 pm, A Woman's Touch: How the Heck Do I Date at This Age? You’re ready to connect for dating, sex, love, companionship – but dating as a senior feels awkward and downright weird. What are the guidelines? How do you navigate online dating and avoid the pitfalls that send potential dates running in the other direction? When do you bring up safer sex, your personal sexual issues, or sex at all? Whether you’re widowed, divorced, or a longtime single, you’ll find this interactive workshop illuminating and fun, and you’ll get to find out how other single seniors meet and mate (or try to). All genders and orientations welcome; sense of humor helpful. Thirty million Americans age 55 and older are single, so welcome to the club with no rules! Joan Price, author of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty and Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex – and a widow trying to figure out how to date at her age – leads this workshop. Singles only, $25.

October 1, 2011, Madison, and October 2, 2011, Milwaukee, 2-4 pm, A Woman's Touch: Ask Me, I'll Tell You: Talking Out Loud About Sex, Aging and Relationships: What do we wish we understood and could communicate better with our partners about our changing bodies, desires, and responses? We’re talking about senior sex—the challenges, the pleasures, and all the questions we didn’t think we could ask out loud. What arouses us now, when the old ways aren’t working like they used to? How do we spice up our sexual repertoire? In this eye opening, interactive, mixed-gender workshop especially for couples, you’ll get to voice your questions and get answers. Joan Price, author of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty and Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex, guides the conversation and discovery, and offers tips for putting the zest back into later-life sexuality. Couples and singles, $25.

Sunday, Sept. 11, 2011, 2:30-5 pm. What I Learned about Book Publicity since 2005. Redwood Writers, Flamingo Hotel, 2777 Fourth Street, Santa Rosa, CA 95405. "I'm convinced that book publicity and self-promotion in this new world has to be targeted at the Internet first,” Joan says. “That’s the fastest, easiest, and most efficient and far-reaching way to get in front of readers, and it doesn’t cost a thing--except, of course, time.” Joan shares her tips for using the Internet wisely and productively for your own book publicity and author promotion. $5/members; $8/non-members.

Tuesday, August 16, 7 pm. The Center for Sex and Culture, 1349 Mission St. between 9th /10th St. (corner of Grace St.). What do boomers and seniors really want to know about later-life sex? What are their challenges, questions, and misconceptions? Joan Price, author of Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex and Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty, shares the most common, most unusual, and most entertaining questions she hears as she writes and speaks about ageless sexuality – and her answers. Join in by emailing your own questions to Joan and she’ll include them in her talk. "Senior Singles Mixer/ Discussion" follows Joan's talk.

Saturday, July 30, 2011, 4-5 pm, Book Passage, 51 Tamal Vista Blvd, Corte Madera, CA 94925. Joan Price discusses Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex ($16.95). Price presents a candid book addressing senior sexuality in all its colors—the challenges, the disappointments, and the surprises, as well as the delights and the love stories. This work gives real-life people over 50 straightforward advice from experts. Bonus: Single seniors, come to the Book Passage cafe after Joan's Naked at Our Age talk for a mixer! (When Joan spoke at Book Passage in 2006, they had to set up chairs in the hallway, so get there early!)

Tuesday, July 26, 2011, 7 pm., Copperfield's Books, Sebastopol, CA. Joan Price is talking out loud about a subject that is often ignored or ridiculed in our society: later-life sexuality. Naked at Our Age is a candid, straight-talking book addressing senior sexuality in all its colors—the challenges, the disappointments, and the surprises, as well as the delights and the love stories. Naked at Our Age gives real-life people over fifty a voice to tell stories of their past and present sex lives, ask questions, and get straightforward advice and information from experts. No topic related to elder sexuality is off-limits.

Friday, July 15, 2011, 12:30-1:30 pm, 211 Sutter St., San Francisco. "Orgasm Is . . . Not Just for Younguns! Tips and Tools for Savvy Seniors." Senior sexpert Joan Price, author of Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex, shares candid information and tips for recharging your sex life after 50, 60, and beyond. Whether you’re single or partnered, male or female, gay or straight, you’ll leave with a new understanding of your changes and ideas for recapturing the sizzle that you can put into practice immediately! Part of the Project “Orgasm Is ________” lunchtime series from OneTaste to celebrate the release of Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm by OneTaste’s founder, Nicole Daedone, June 22-July 18. Location is a pop-up bookstore at the site that was formerly Loehmann's, near Union Square.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011, 7 pm., Barnes and Noble, 82nd and Broadway, New York City. Joan Price is talking out loud about a subject that is often ignored or ridiculed in our society: later-life sexuality. Joan shatters the myths about senior sex and reads from Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex. More details here.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011, 1:30-3 pm, Hudson Guild, 119 Ninth Ave, New York City. "Let's Talk about Sexuality at Our Age!" Joan Price and Rae Francouer share their enthusiasm and expertise about sex in later life. Joan is the author of Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex. Rae is the author of Free Fall: A Late-in-Life Love Affair.

Thursday, July 7, 2011, 7-9 pm, Babeland - SoHo, 43 Mercer St., New York, NY 10013. "Let's Talk about Senior Sex!" Joan Price and Rae Francouer share their enthusiasm and expertise about sex in later life. Joan is the author of Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex. Rae is the author of Free Fall: A Late-in-Life Love Affair. (Yes, this is the same topic as our Hudson Guild event, but since we're talking at Babeland, it will be racier, with sex toy recommendations and more!)

Saturday, July 9, 2011, 3-4 pm. Joan speaks at her 50th Ithaca High School reunion, at the pavilion at Stewart Park, Ithaca, New York. Talking Out Loud about Sex -- Yes, at Our Age with Joan (Kassman) Price. Who imagined that our shy and diminutive Joanie Kassman (now Joan Price) would be known at age 67 as a "senior sexpert"! “You didn’t vote for me as class treasurer, so I had to get your attention somehow,” says Joan, who is the author of two books on sex and aging: Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty and Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex. Enjoy her lively discussion – guaranteed to entertain as well as inform.

Sunday, July 10, 2011, 3-4 pm, Buffalo Street Books, in DeWitt Mall on Buffalo St between Cayuga and Tioga, Ithaca, NY. Joan Price, Ithaca native and author of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty and Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex, shatters the “5 Biggest Myths about Sex after Fifty” and shares the most common questions that Boomers, seniors, and elders asked her while she was researching her new book.

Sunday, June 19, 2011, 3-5 pm, workshop: Ask Me, I'll Tell You: Women and Men Talk Out Loud about Sex and Aging. Good Vibrations, 1620 Polk Street (at Sacramento Street), San Francisco, CA 94109. We’re talking about senior sex—the challenges, the pleasures, and all the questions we didn’t think we could ask out loud. What arouses us now, when the old ways aren’t working like they used to? What do we wish we understood and could communicate better about our changing bodies, desires, and responses? How do we spice up our sexual repertoire? In this eye opening, interactive, mixed-gender workshop, you’ll get to voice your questions and get answers. Joan Price, author of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty and Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex, guides the conversation and discovery, and offers tips for putting the zest back into later-life sexuality. For couples and singles, men and women. $25 in advance, $30 at the door. (415) 345-0400 or http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/154492.

Saturday, June 4, 4:30-5:30. Senior Sex at Gaia’s Garden, 1899 Mendocino Avenue, Santa Rosa, CA 95401. No, we won’t be doing it – we’ll be talking about it with Joan Price, local author of Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex. Joan will shatter the “5 Biggest Myths about Sex and Aging” and share the most common questions that Boomers, seniors, and elders ask her. Yes, she’ll answer those questions, too -- in the candid, upbeat manner that led the media to dub her “senior sexpert.” (The Bohemian also called her a “wrinkly sex kitten,” but you be the judge of that!) Then you’ll have time to buy a personally autographed copy of Naked at Our Age. And we’re giving things away! Samples of Blossom Organics lubricant free to all post-menopausal women! The first 20 people who purchase Naked at Our Age or Better Than I Ever Expected from Joan get a free book of erotica from Cleis Press – many titles available! Enjoy a wholesome and delicious meal at Gaia’s Garden, voted the Best Vegetarian Restaurant by readers of The Bohemian. Stay for live music by the String Rays at 7:00.

(schedule updated 1/25/12)

Reader: "I have difficulty ejaculating." Michael Castleman responds.

2012-01-05T13:33:00.000-08:00

Buddy, age 65, has difficulty ejaculating because he doesn't feel enough stimulation during intercourse. He sent me this email requesting advice:

Dear Joan,

I just finished your book, Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex. It was a breath of fresh air to find that I am not that different about my sexual desires, fantasies and needs as other 65 year old people.

I didn’t see you address my specific issue in the book. Namely, I have difficulty ejaculating. It is not that it doesn’t ever happen, it does both with oral stimulation and with penetration sex; just not very often.

My companion really wants to have me reach orgasm inside her, as do I, but too often, I lose my erection before the big moment. Many times it seems there is a lack of continued stimulation after penetration. I don’t “feel” anything. Lubrication isn’t an issue, she has plenty and we aren’t bashful about adding synthetic lube to the equation.

For reasons of knee pain and a few pounds overweight the only position we have found to date and enjoy is her lying on her back and me on my right side with my torso at a right angle to hers. Missionary hurts my knees and I’m too tall, compared to her, for doggie to work comfortably.

Do you have any suggestions to continue the stimulation on the glans of my penis to build up an ejaculation after penetration? Your input will be very much appreciated by us both.

Thank you for your time and providing a non-sleazy forum for us “old-timers” to learn and re-learn new tricks.

Buddy's right -- as comprehensive as Naked at Our Age is, it doesn't answer Buddy's question. So I asked Michael Castleman, M.A., a top health writer, sex educator, and sex counselor, to address Buddy's concerns. Michael Castleman responds:

Yoursituation is not at all unusual. Older men often develop problems withejaculation/orgasm for several reasons:

(1)The nervous system becomes less "excitable" with age. This means ittakes more stimulation for ejaculation and orgasm to happen. It's also part ofthe reason you don't "feel" anything during intercourse. Sextherapists often tell older men, "You don't have to ejaculate everytime." That's true, but if she really wants you to come inside her, notejaculating is not going to help.

(2)It's more difficult to maintain erotic focus. Aches and pains can distract fromerotic focus, You have some, so they may be contributing to your situation.Have you considered some pain medication before sex? Advil?

(3)Drugs and drug side effects. You didn't mention drugs, but many older peopletake one or more. Many drugs cause ejaculation problems, and quite a few haveside effects that include ejaculatory difficulty, notably, antidepressants. Ifyou're taking medication that may cause ejaculatory problems, ask your doctorif another drug can be substituted.

Whatto do? Here are a few quick suggestions:

(1)During intercourse, in addition to the old in-out, also stroke your penis byhand (yours or hers). This may provide the extra stimulation you need to getover the hump. (It may take some practice to figure out how to do this.) Or trypressing a vibrator against your penis or scrotum. The extra stimulation mayhelp.

(2)Make love earlier in the day. Many older lover find that at night, they're toopooped to pop. Make love before noon and you're likely to have more eroticenergy, including energy for ejaculation and orgasm.

(3)Try some anal massage in addition to intercourse. Now, you may have objectionsto anal play, and if you do, you're under no obligation to do this. But somemen find that adding anal sphincter massage and/or fingering to intercoursehelps the man come.

Fora more detailed discussion of this issue, visit my site, GreatSexAfter40.com, and click on theInfo Library. Under About Men, you'll see an article on Ejaculation and Orgasmproblems. Here's the direct URL.

Many thanks to Buddy for his candor and to Michael Castleman for his terrific advice. I invite your comments, readers.

MichaelCastleman, M.A., is the author of twelve books, including Great Sex: TheMan's Guide to the Secrets of Whole-Body Sensuality and Sexual Solutions:For Men and the Women Who Love Them. From 1991-95, he answered thesex questions submitted to the Playboy Advisor. Visit his website about sex after midlife, www.GreatSexAfter40.com.

"What I learned about my sexuality in 2011": readers respond

2011-12-23T10:40:00.000-08:00

Are you over 50? What did you learn about your sexuality in 2011?

Please read the comments below to learn how many of you responded to this question. Some responses are joyful; some are unhappy, some are helpful. Together, they give us a glimpse into the reality of senior sexuality -- the delights, the disappointments, the surprises when our dreams come true, the ways we make do when they don't.

If you'd like to add your voice, and you're 50+, please continue to comment below. If you prefer, email me a sentence or a paragraph, with permission to add it to the comments here, and I'll post it for you under the name you tell me (it doesn't have to be your own).

Since Naked at Our Age was envisioned to answer the questions and address the problems we encounter trying to have a rich sex life at our age, I urge you to read it. It really does discuss all of the problems you wrote about in your comments, and much more. Forty-five experts give advice after reading your stories and your questions.

It's the book that I wished we had available when I started talking to people about their sexual concerns -- and now we do.

As we wrap up 2011, please put at least one special sex-themed resolution on your 2012 list. You deserve joy.

Thank you for continuing to read my books and this blog, and thank you especially for your willingness to add your candid comments. That's what makes this a community.

"Getting Older, Getting Better," guest post by Charlie Glickman, PhD

2011-12-20T21:50:00.000-08:00

When I read this post on Charlie Glickman's Adult Sexuality Education blog, I asked him for permission to republish it here. He covers many issues and questions about how our culture views aging and sexuality, including beliefs that we regretfully internalize. I hope you'll encourage young folks as well as others of our age to read what Charlie Glickman has to say here. -- Joan

Getting Older, Getting Better

by Charlie Glickman, PhD

One of my favorite sex nerds, Dr. Debby Herbenick, recently retweeted something that I've been thinking about for a while:

True. @hotaction: "Everyone should spend some time looking at photos of naked old people because that's what the future looks like.”— Dr. Debby Herbenick (@mysexprofessor)

Today is the 20th anniversary of the date that I met my partner. In the last two decades, we've both changed a lot. We're both much more secure and solid in who we are. We've grown and challenged each other to overcome many of the habits that caused friction in our lives and in our connections with other people. We've learned many, many ways to support our relationship. And yes, our bodies have changed, too. While I'd love to have the physical resilience that I used to have, I wouldn't trade my current life for the one I had back then. I needed that ability to bounce back- without it, I never would have survived the drama I caused myself and others.

After two decades with Elizabeth, I think she's more beautiful than ever before and I'm more drawn to her than I could have imagined when we first met. And I think about the many people who stop being attracted to their partners and trade them in for someone younger. This seems to be more common for men, but I've also seen women do the same thing in increasing numbers. While I'm fully supportive of people creating the relationships they want and ending them when they no longer serve them, I can't help but wonder about our tenacious grip on the idea that younger is better and how that affects things.

In a world that only presents the latest 18-25 year olds as sexy, it's a challenge to not compare oneself or one's partner with that fantasy. Personally, I've found that became easier when I stopped watching TV and reading the drivel that passes for news (and don't even get me started on popular magazines). But it takes more than that. Every time you compliment someone's appearance by telling them that they look young, you're reinforcing the idea that we lose value as we age. I feel sadness around that because it encourages us to deny our histories, to pretend we're something we aren't, and to create an image of who we wish we were rather than celebrating who we've become. And let's not forget that many of the cosmetic treatments to make us look younger don't work all that well and are promoted with ads that are photoshopped like crazy. My willing suspension of disbelief snapped a long time ago.

Maybe I'll have something different to say in another 20 years. But right now, I think that the physical expression of experience and growth is incredibly sexy. It's an outward manifestation of the individual's evolution. Personally, I find that much more attractive than someone who strives to look like they're still 23. This is something that many of us have to practice. When the only images that we see define attractiveness as equivalent to youth, it can be difficult to not make comparisons.

I've spoken with quite a few people who are convinced that nobody will want to have sex with them because they have grey hair, or wrinkles, or scars, or stretch marks, or health concerns, or any of the other effects of age. I feel sadness that they're so sure that they're unattractive to others because they're unattractive to themselves. I wonder how much of that comes from never having thought of people over a certain age as desirable. I wonder how much of that comes from the fact that so much of the breathless commentary about attractiveness (especially female attractiveness) is tied up in how young someone looks. What a waste of the incredible beauty and wisdom that surrounds us, if only we could see it.

If Elizabeth and I are fortunate, we will have lots more time together. And someday, we may get to be like the people in this photograph. I look at it and see something to be celebrated. I also know that many people will look at it and feel disgust, shame, or squicked. So what are you going to do when you get to be that age? How are you going to feel about yourself or your partner(s)? Will you be able to be naked with your partner without feeling self-disgust or shame?

The time to start thinking about older people being sexy is right now. This is the time to stop shaming elders who express desire or who want to have sex. This is the time to stop mocking their bodies or describing them negatively. When you get older, you'll be struggling with a lot of cultural momentum and the longer you go along with it, the harder it'll be when you finally get around to resisting (if you do). That's especially true for women and their partners, given the extra pressure and judgement attached to youth and attractiveness for women. But really, we're all affected by the idea that younger is better.

Instead of thinking of someone as "looking good for their age," how about simply letting them "look good"? Instead of telling someone that they look so young, compliment them on something specific like their hairstyle or their outfit. And instead of saying insulting things about older people's sexuality, acknowledge the feeling as your own judgment. There's a huge difference between "that's gross" and "I feel discomfort." The more we can change how we think and feel about elders and sexuality, the better off we'll be if and when we get there.

I also highly recommend Joan Price's book Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex. Even if you're not there yet, there's a good chance that you will be and many of the sexual concerns that can arise are much easier to deal with when you aren't surprised by them. Joan interviewed and quoted lots of medical professionals, sex educators, and therapists, so it's like you're getting the benefit of a whole panel of experts in one book. It's amazing.

- Dr. Charlie Glickman is the Education Program Manager atGood Vibrations, anoccasional university professor, and a sexuality educator. He teaches andwrites about sex-positivity, sex & shame, sexual practices and communities,relationships, and other related topics. Check him out at his website, twitter, or on Facebook.

Holiday Gift Guide 2011

2011-12-09T15:22:00.001-08:00

Looking for the perfect gift for the sexy seniors in your life? Here are some gifts that are sure to please (repeatedly, in some cases!). Most are delights I found in 2011, though a couple are treasured earlier discoveries that I want to be sure you know about.

SEX TOYS

Here are my favorite toys that I tried for the first time in 2011. Click the links to read my full reviews.

Minna Ola: Strong, rumbly vibrations surround your clitoris nestled into a cushy pad. Truly innovative!

Zini Ran: My new favorite for vaginal stimulation, tapered, slim, and strong. It can also be used for clitoral stimulation, if you prefer.

MiMi: A tiny, quiet clitoral vibrator, just right for travel or for slipping between sex-joined bodies for extra clitoral stimulation.

Jimmyjane Form 4: A throbbing, rumbling, luxury vibrator that you can enjoy in the shower or bath as well as in bed.

Yooo: The cutest sex toy ever, like a bubblegum-colored Mickey Mouse head that vibrates... really nicely!

(Please see my other vibrator reviews by clicking here. Keep scrolling down -- there are many!)

BOOKS

House of Holes by Nicholson Baker: An erotic fantasy novel that is crude, rude, sexy, and utterly hilarious! Only the author and one character are our age, but it's still the best of the year.

Free Fall: A Late in Life Love Affair by Rae Padilla Francoeur: An erotic memoir that takes place when the author is 58 and her lover is 67. Hot and provocative,and a beautiful homage to sex and love at our age.

Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha. Convinced that monogamy is unnatural and unreasonable for our human species? This book is packed with research that supports this, and is written in such an entertaining way that you'll enjoy it throughout. I'll give this deserving book its own review soon.

Sugar in My Bowl: Real Women Write About Real Sex ed. Erica Jong. A remarkable anthology of personal essays and a few short stories, all revealing what women think about sex and their pivotal sexual experiences.

Dear John, I Love Jane ed. Candace Walsh and Laura André. An anthology written by women who left their straight life/ relationships/ husbands because they fell in love with women.

Sex Counsel by Suzi Godson. Godson writes sex and relationships advice for The Times in the UK and edits More Sex Daily. She is smart, funny, and compassionate, and backs up her advice with research. Her questions come from people of all ages, many of them our age. I'll give this worthy book its own review soon. UK readers: book is available here.

JOAN'S BOOKS

Forgive me for patting myself on the back, but my own books make perfect gifts for the special someone in your life. Order directly from me and I'll autograph your books to your giftee. Write "lube, please" in the comment box, and I'll include a free sample of Blossom Organics.

Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex: Real-life women and men over fifty tell stories of their past and present sex lives, ask questions, and get straightforward advice and information from 45 experts: therapists, medical professionals, sex educators. If you have a problem, question, or concern about senior sex, it's answered here!

Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty: An upbeat, frank, woman-to-woman friendly book that acknowledges the challenges and celebrates the delights of older-life sexuality. This book combines memoir with candid comments and tales from lively, earthy women who aren't afraid to talk about their sex lives.

LINGERIE

Photo by Ruth Lefkowitz

Take your sweetie to your favorite lingerie destination and have her try on a few outfits, buying the one that makes you go va-va-voom! (Read my latest lingerie post and maybe print it out for her if she isn't in love with her body -- lingerie is very flattering!) This is for guys, too: the smoothness of silk over the male anatomy will be a delight for both of you. (If he's shy about trying on undies in a department store dressing room, you might just make the purchase and surprise him.)

LUBRICANTS

Blossom Organics Lubricants for Women: This year I discovered Blossom Organics. Only naturally pure, female-friendly ingredients keep your tender parts moist and slippery for the joy of friction. I especially like the arousal gel for an extra zing!

See my 2010 Holiday Recommendations for even more gift ideas!

#14 of Top Sex Bloggers 2011!

2011-12-03T10:05:00.001-08:00

I'm proud to be #14 of the Top 100 Sex Bloggers 2011, as judged by smart, sassy, sexy Rori, the sex blogger of Between My Sheets, after nominations by the huge sex blogger/sex reader community.

Everyone who blogs about sex hopes to be on this annual list, and I'm proud that this is the third year in a row that this blog has made the cut -- in fact it's been in the top 21 each time.

Of course I find the honor rewarding personally (woo hoo -- people read my blog and like it!), but even more, I am gratified that our topic is compelling enough to receive this high ranking among the many hundreds of sex blogs out there.

As far as I know -- and I still have to finish reading all the other award winners -- this is the only blog that focuses specifically on senior/elder sex, and one of the few in the top 100 that aims to be informative rather than erotic or titillating. Most of the award winners are in-your-face, down-and-dirty, sexually graphic in both writing and photos. That's cool, they're fun to read, and I'm not putting them down at all -- but my aim here is quite different.

I want this blog to be a resource for senior sex-themed information and viewpoints and a place to go when you want to read about senior sex. I want seniors and elders who grew up when I did to feel comfortable here. I see sexuality as a fascinating subject, even more at this age because it's so often kept under the covers. I want to normalize talking out loud about senior sex, and in a respectful, informative manner.

Not everyone likes my style. One year, a reader complained that my blog wasn't "actual sex" and my credibility as a sex blogger was in question because I didn't describe my own sex acts with partners, if indeed I had any. OK, move on, then.

I'm so happy that Rori and all of you who nominated this blog find it worthy of inclusion in the Top 100,and I thank all of you who read it. I love getting comments, so feel free to post (include your age, if you don't mind).

Enjoy the Top 100 -- but watch out, most of these blogs are not safe for reading at work (unless your work has a sex focus) or around the grandkids!

Dr. Ruth on Sex After 50, by Sally Wendkos Olds

2011-11-20T12:34:00.001-08:00

When my friend and writing colleague Sally Wendkos Olds wrote me that she heard Dr. Ruth Westheimer speak in New York City, I invited Sally to write a guest post about it. Enjoy! -- Joan

Dr. Ruth Westheimer, age 83, 2011

Photo by Sally Dougan

What a treat I had last night – hearing the 83-year-old zesty, wise, and funny Dr. Ruth Westheimer hold forth on the topic of her 2005 book, Dr. Ruth’s Sex After 50: Revving Up The Romance, Passion & Excitement! Her talk was presented by the New York City chapter of The Transition Network, a wonderful national organization for women over 50.

You can enjoy sex until you’re 99 years old! Dr. Ruth proclaimed. (“Why not 100?” I should have asked.) Just keep her words of wisdom in mind:

Intercourse is not the whole story – you can achieve sexual satisfaction in other ways.
Post-menopausal women: For intercourse, use a lubricant so that sex will not be painful. If you have pain despite this, see your gynecologist.
Men: If you no longer have a psychogenic erection (one that comes with just thinking about sex), you need direct physical stimulation. Both you and your partner need to know this.
Both sexes: Take advantage of morning erections to have the best sex – don’t wait for night-time. Instead, get a good night’s sleep, wake up in the morning, eat breakfast, turn off your phones, and hop back into bed. Men who don’t have morning erections: see a urologist.
Men who tend to rush into intercourse and then fall asleep immediately afterwards: Remember that the arc of women’s arousal is slower than yours, and take time to bring her to readiness – and then afterwards, if you feel yourself getting sleepy, prick yourself a little with a pin to stay awake so you can hold her and cuddle.
Women: Take responsibility for your own sexual satisfaction. Teach your partner what you need, not necessarily in words but in ways that make your desires clear.
When about to embark on a new sexual relationship, use condoms – or agree with your partner that before sexual activity you will both be tested for sexually transmitted diseases. Once you’re both given a good report, keep the relationship exclusive.
Condoms: Men: practice putting one on in front of the mirror when you’re alone, and women: learn how to help him put it on.
When to keep your mouth shut: When you’re having fantasies about other partners or remembering old lovers – your present partner does not need to hear about them.
When to keep your mouth open: When you want to give oral sex, which can be done at a time when you don’t expect, plan, or need your own orgasm. Simultaneity is over-rated – you can take turns.
In front of the mirror, pick out something you do like about your body. To enjoy sex you have to feel desirable, so don’t sabotage yourself by focusing on what you don’t like.
In the Jewish tradition, married men have the obligation to provide sexual satisfaction to their wives, even after menopause, thus confirming that sex is not only for procreation – but also for recreation.
If you have teenagers at home, don’t wait for them to go to sleep – teens never sleep. Instead, go out to a motel for a few hours where you can have total privacy.

Dr. Ruth has a turtle collection: A turtle is well protected in its shell, she says, as long as it stands still. But if it wants to move, it needs to stick its neck out, to take a risk. So that’s what moving ahead demands – sticking your neck out, taking a risk, and when things don’t work out, shrugging your shoulders and moving on.

So here’s to moving on!

Sally Wendkos Olds has written extensively about intimate relationships, personal growth, and developmental issues throughout the life cycle, and has won national awards for both her book and magazine writing. In addition to her classic, The Complete Book of Breastfeeding, first published in 1972 and revised for its fourth edition in 2010, she is the author of ten other books, including Super Granny: Great Stuff to Do with Your Grandkids. She is currently writing a book for people whose life partner died a year or more ago.

Hollywood Sex Wars: If this is young sex, I’m glad I’m old.

2011-11-17T16:52:00.001-08:00

Hollywood Sex Wars is a hideous film. I detest these stereotypes:

Women are big-breasted lust machines, willing to do whatever it takes to please men as long as money and/or gifts are bestowed in exchange.
Men are sex-crazed animals who don’t want relationships, just a quick get-in, get-off, get-her-outa-here, tell-the-guys.

If this is young sex, I’m glad I’m old.

The plot is a 14-year-old boy’s wet dream – plenty of nipple shots, obscenities, drugs, and ordinary guys getting the hottest girls. FYI, despite the profusion of bare, jiggling, surgically (or digitally) enhanced breasts, penises are always off-camera, unless you count a couple of dildos.

I can only imagine the effect of the denigration of women’s looks on an impressionable, self-conscious teenage girl. Average-sized breasts are unsexy. Fuller sized bodies are unsexy. Average looks are ugly. The guys are far from dashing, but those who understand the attraction of money and drugs will score anyway. Yecchhh. Both genders are equally degraded.

Typical lines from the movie:

“We don’t want girlfriends, we want to bang hot chicks.”
“Although girls want to get fucked and do drugs, you have to trick them into it.”
“Hone your inner pig.”
“The women we’re after are money grabbing hos.”
(One woman to another:) “You like to fuck and party, don’t you? Those are marketable skills, and totally tax-free.”

Ghastly, isn’t it? The girls barter gifts for sex (stripper shoes = a blow job; shoes costing over $500 = he gets laid). The boys learn to use cocaine to attract the hotties. Both genders are equally duplicitous and manipulative.

Shortly into the movie, I wanted to turn it off, write my review based on 15 minutes, and move on to work that didn’t leave the taste of dog poop in my mouth. But I wanted to see Fabio, the only person of our generation who, I discovered close to the end of the film, has ten seconds and one line in the entire movie. Totally not worth it.

The worst moment (of nothing but bad moments) for me as a sex educator is when one boy describes how he cuts a hole in the condom so that it rides up and away as the friction proceeds. By the time she knows, he pretends he’s so big that it broke. This is followed by a brief safe sex warning, which is undermined by everything else in the film. When one girl finds herself pregnant, for example, she hits up maybe a dozen sperm shooters for abortion funds.

Of course one couple falls in love despite the training from their homies, with sweet background music, walks in the park, posing with statues, you get the picture. Equally predictably, their pals manipulate the dissolution of their relationship. I won’t tell you how that ends, because, frankly, who cares?

If more than five people see this despicable, reeking repository of vomit-worthy stereotypes, I’ll have failed in my duty to inform you.

So why am I, a senior sex writer with a reputation to uphold, using my precious time and yours to review this loser film that none of you will ever see (please promise me that)?

Hollywood Sex Wars was a reminder to me that if we’re to have a chance of changing our society’s view of older-age sexuality, we have to counsel young people about theirs. Who better to help young folks put relationships and sexuality in perspective than those of us who have been around the block and figured out our own sexuality and self-image at age 20, 40, 60, and beyond.

Will they want to talk sex with us? Surely not at first, but if we continue to be outgoing, candid, and respectful of ourselves and them (something the movie doesn’t even pretend to do) then we have a chance.

Thank you, Hollywood Sex Wars, for reminding me what we have to fight against.

I’d love to read comments from both my age and much younger. Tell me, have I done more harm than good by giving Hollywood Sex Wars the publicity of my review? Should I have listened to a friend of mine, who said, when I invited him to watch this movie with me:

I want to thank you for the invitation, but after watching the trailer, I decline. And I don't know that your name should be heard anywhere near this movie.

Older Women Wear Lingerie Revisited

2011-11-10T13:33:00.001-08:00

I wrote "Older Women Wear Lingerie" in 2009 about my photo shoot at age 65 with photographer Ruth Lefkowitz. It was a liberating experience, both during the shoot -- I had no idea how much fun it would be to disrobe and flaunt my underwear in front of a camera! -- and afterwards, when I viewed the photos.

Two years later, I knew I looked older. Grief ages us, and I could see it in my face. I had stopped coloring my hair. My skin was looser, more wrinkly. My thighs and fanny were bigger.

But I felt beautiful, because I've really internalized the message I keep communicating to you:

We don't have to buy into our youth-obsessed society's view that only young, firm, fertile bodies are sexy and alluring. We are beautiful, handsome, sexy at our age.

That statement is true for you, too, no matter how many wrinkles or extra pounds you see in the mirror. It doesn't matter.

If you accept yourself, enjoy yourself, and feel sexy within, it will show.

Ready to walk my talk (or pose my talk, more accurately), I approached Ruth about doing a repeat of our photo shoot, with new lingerie, a new attitude, and two more years under my belt -- I mean camisole.

She said yes. We did it two weeks ago.

Again, I loved the experience. We laughed, we romped, I posed, she clicked the camera.

I am delighted to share our photos with you today, on my 68th birthday.

If you live in Sonoma County, CA, and would like to talk to Ruth about doing your own lingerie photo shoot, please email me and I'll forward your email to her.

As always, I welcome your comments! How would you feel about posing in lingerie?

Ruth Lefkowitz is fascinated by how the camera captures spirit, beauty and style in a magical instant. She especially enjoys photographing the female figure--a subject of art through the ages--to create images that capture and preserve a bit of a woman's inner life. In her day job, Ruth is the chef and owner of Ruthy's Real Meals, a high quality, organic and locally sourced meal delivery service in Sonoma County, CA.

Thank you, Rae

2011-11-10T12:42:00.001-08:00

Rae Padilla Francoeur

"It takes intention to keep movement and sexuality in our lives," Rae Padilla Francoeur quotes me as saying in her insightful, sensitive, and generous profile, which she titles "Life lessons from a senior sexpert."

Thank you, Rae, for the most amazing birthday present.

I love how Rae combines three parts of me that define who I am: my commitments to senior sex education, physical fitness, and endless learning. She captured my drive when she wrote about my recent trip to New York City, when I had the pleasure of staying with her and her love Jim,

The only time you weren’t working or making connections with others throughout the city was when I was talking or when you were sleeping.

Rae's profile is such a heartfelt tribute that I want it read at my memorial service (not soon, please) and printed on a t-shirt.

I expect it would have to be in small print to fit on a t-shirt, especially my petite size, so I'm picturing grey-haired gents putting on their reading glasses and getting close to peer at my chest--a pretty nice fantasy for my 68th birthday today!

Speaking of t-shirts and chests, Rae and Jim gave me this "Naked at Our Age" t-shirt. At the time I took this photo, I was sitting outside a coffee shop in Ventura, CA, where I was visiting to present two workshops. I discovered that three men were staring at me. Flattered, I smiled and they looked away. Later I realized they were probably just trying to figure out what I meant by the message on my shirt.

If you're not familiar with Rae's work, I encourage you to read her erotic memoir, Free Fall: A Late-in-Life Love Affair. I reviewed Free Fall in 2010 before I knew Rae personally. Our admiration of each other's work led to a strong friendship.

Rae, Joan, and Jim Hicks

Things You’ll Never Hear Him Say When He Sees You Naked

2011-11-08T11:07:00.000-08:00

Photo by Ruth Lefkowitz

Single, straight* women of our age: I hear all the time that you're embarrassed about your aging body to the point of avoiding sex with a new partner -- or you insist on sex in a darkened room, using the braille method of discovery.

(*I addressed this to straight women only because the women who have shared their self-consciousness with me have been heterosexual. Does that mean that lesbians are more accepting of their own and each other's aging bodies? If you're bi or lesbian, I hope you can shed light on this.)

But don't you see? By hiding your body, being embarrassed by it, you're buying into our youth-obsessed culture that says that only young, firm, fertile bodies can be sexy and alluring. Let's put that notion to rest right now!

Imagine this scenario:

Finally, after meeting so many frogs (and not even tempted to kiss any of them), you’ve met a man who makes your heart flutter big time. You’ve flirted, you’ve gone on a few dates, you’ve talked half the night, you’ve laughed at his jokes and he at yours. On your last date, you kissed… and kissed. His hands went exploring, so did yours, and you know that on the next date, more than your lipstick will come off. You’ve even had the Condom Conversation.

But, your inner worrier keeps asking you, what if he sees your body and heads for the hills?

You’ve got to trust me on this, he’s not going to say or even think any of the following:

“Oh, gee, you have so many wrinkles!”
“You’d be so pretty if you lost weight.”
“Huh—I thought you looked younger with clothes on.”
“I like firmer butts and perkier breasts.”
“Uh, I gotta go now.”

No, whether or not he voices it out loud or conveys it with a smile or melting eyes, here’s what he’s thinking:

“Oh wow, did I get lucky! This is going to be wonderful.”

Men -- am I right? Talk to me about what you're really thinking about her body when she starts shedding her clothing.

We are our own worst critics, always have been. Remember those teenage pimples? Those worries about our shape and smell? Let’s decide, once and for all, that our bodies are just right, capably of visually delighting a partner and of bringing us both great pleasure.

If we can’t do that at this time of life, when can we? Even if we don’t fully believe it, acting “as if” we’re proud of our bodies will help make it so.

So when it’s time for that get-naked date, prepare with some gorgeous lingerie, dim the lights if you feel the need, but don’t black out the view (candles are sexy and flattering), have lubricant handy, and enjoy.

I'd love to hear from both women and men about this topic! Please comment.

Zini Ran: A favorite already!

2011-10-27T13:09:00.000-07:00

I confess that although I delight in reviewing new sex toys, the more the merrier, I have favorites that I keep returning to when I'm indulging my own pleasure and not blogging about it. The Zini Ran, I'm happy to tell you, became an immediate favorite! Thank you, EdenFantasys sex toys, for sending it to me for review.

I like the size, the shape, the function, the materials, and the ergonomic design of this lovely pleasure tool. The Zini Ran is designed to be used as either a clitoral vibrator or a vaginal/G-spot stimulator, and it works well for both. The controls are easy to see and use -- they even light up when you press them! -- and you can hold it comfortably even with wrist arthritis. Just be careful to keep your slippery fingers (I assume you're using lube) away from the controls when it's in action, or you could accidentally -- shudder! -- turn it off or change intensity or pattern.

Used clitorally, you can either hold it perpendicular to your body and position the tip on your clitoris, or, as I prefer, hold it against your vulva so that it wraps and cradles the clitoris and surrounding areas. Though I didn't try it this way, the shape would likely work well between partners without getting in the way.

Used internally, it's a joy. It's tapered and slim, and once inserted, you get a feeling of fullness from the bulb-like section (1-3/8" at the widest part) while the slimmest part -- about half an inch in diameter -- sits comfortably at the entrance to your vagina. Women who like penetration but don't find girth comfortable will appreciate the shape and size of this lovely creature.

The vibrations can be mild or strong, not super turbo strong like the Hitachi Magic Wand, but for most, it's impressively strong, especially for a rechargeable vibrator this size. The vibrations feel deep and rumbly rather than buzzy. It's surprisingly quiet -- just a soft, whirring sound, more like the sound of the refrigerator that you barely hear. Internally, it's barely audible.

The materials are top grade silicone and plastic. The silicone is so velvety smooth that you may just want to stroke it for a while. It has a bit of a "drag" (friction is good!) which I found very enjoyable. If it's too much for you, just add more water-based lube.

Zini Ran has plenty of cool features -- patterns which light up in different colors, rechargeable, comes in a pretty box with a nice pouch. I like it a lot and think you will, too!

I love to hear from you and welcome your comments about any sex toys I review, because our experiences are all different, and your experience will help readers as much as mine. (However, if you're a sex toy retailer, I don't permit links that compete with the retailers I endorse, so don't even try -- spammy, highjacking comments and links won't see the light of day.)

Please see my other vibrator reviews by clicking here. Keep scrolling down -- there are many!

Older women wear lingerie

2011-10-24T18:00:00.000-07:00

10/23/2011 update: My goodness, two years after I originally wrote this post on 10/11/09, it continues to be the most often read! Hmmm. Ruth and I are actually planning an update -- a new photo shoot this week, results to be posted as soon as they're ready. My reasons are maybe the opposite of what you might think: No, I'm not fixing to show off a youthful body. Rather, I've aged a lot in the past two years, have stopped coloring my hair, and want to celebrate my authentic self by re-doing this photo shoot. Yes, I'm nervous. Of course I am. But if I keep insisting that we should stand up for what's real at this age and celebrate our aging process, then I have to walk (or pose) my talk .

"I'm photographing real women in lingerie," Ruth Lefkowitz of Ruthy's Real Meals told me. "Would you be willing to model?"

Wow. A "real woman" I am, all 65 years of me, and I do love lingerie, but I've only worn it for intimate hours, not a photography session.

I'm not shy, I just don't think my 65-year-old body looks as good as it used to. But whose does? And if you can't do something new and outrageous as an older person, when can you do it? "Sure, Ruth!" I said. "And if I love the experience, I'll blog about it."

I loved the experience.

The wonderful people at HerRoom were happy to provide some lovely garments and were enthusiastic about a woman my age modeling them.

We met in a garage converted (roughly) into a photography studio. Ruth made me feel comfortable with her relaxed, matter-of-fact approach to posing me and complimenting me. We had many giggles, too.

Ruth was exuberant about what she called my "curves," and when I expressed alarm that the sags, folds, and puckers would come to light, she reassured me that she was there to capture the beauty in real women.

By golly, I think she did it.

-----

Photos by Ruth Lefkowitz. If you live in or near Santa Rosa, CA, and would like to be photographed by Ruth, please email me and I'll put you in touch.

Lingerie provided by HerRoom Lingerie We Buy For Ourselves

Spontaneity is Overrated -- Especially at Our Age!

2011-10-18T17:40:00.000-07:00

When I give my workshops, I always get startled looks from participants when I recommend that we schedule our sex time, even (especially!) when we're in a long-term relationship. You tell me, "But sex should be spontaneous!"

At our age, we need more time for arousal, and that works best if our arousal time starts long before we're fondling each other in bed. It starts with anticipation: looking forward to our time together, getting heated up on our own with our fantasy of what we'll do together. It starts before we're physically in the same room: leaving notes or text messages or voice mail or even just writing it on our calendar days in advance.

It starts with coming together non-sexually: talking together, bonding through laughter, and especially by doing something physical together: a walk, a bike ride, a yoga class, dancing in the living room. Doing something physical together makes us aware of our enjoyment of our own and each other's bodies, and it gets the blood pumping, which makes for better sex later.

Besides, when have we ever really been spontaneous about sex? When we were young and just discovering sex, didn't we anticipate it for days? Didn't we prepare with fantasies and plans? Didn't we (we girls, anyway) try on clothes, including underwear? Didn't we shower and shave with care, even with relish, as we looked forward to being soft to the touch and sweet smelling with our lover? We've always prepared for sex!

Let's celebrate the pleasures of our slower arousal by scheduling our special times!

Your thoughts?

How the Heck Do I Date at This Age?

2011-10-05T12:33:00.000-07:00

"How the Heck Do I Date at This Age?" is the title of a new workshop I just debuted in Milwaukee, and I'm ready to take it on the road! I discovered it needs to be a three-hour workshop because it covers so many topics, questions, and interactive discussion.

Here's my description of the workshop:

How the Heck Do I Date at This Age?

You’re ready to connect for dating, sex, love, companionship – but dating as a senior feels awkward and downright weird. What are the guidelines? How do you navigate online dating and avoid the pitfalls that send potential dates running in the other direction? When do you bring up safer sex, your personal sexual issues, or sex at all? Whether you’re widowed, divorced, or a longtime single, you’ll find this interactive workshop illuminating and fun, and you’ll get to find out how other single seniors meet and mate (or try to). All genders and orientations welcome; sense of humor helpful. Thirty million Americans age 55 and older are single, so welcome to the club with no rules! Joan Price, author of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty and Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex – and a widow trying to figure out how to date at her age – leads this workshop.

During this fun-filled workshop, you'll create a list of the qualities you're seeking in a date/lover/sweetheart/mate, because if you don't know what you're asking for, the answer is "no." You'll also write your profile, should you wish to pursue online dating. You'll get plenty of information and honest (polite, but honest!) feedback about your dating situation (or lack of dating situation). By the end, you'll have an action plan and plenty of food for thought. Bring paper and pen or a laptop -- and a sense of humor!

"So where do I have to go to attend this workshop?" you ask. Ah, I don't know yet. Invite me to come to your region to present it, or email me to put yourself on my contact list for an upcoming workshop in the San Francisco/ Santa Rosa, CA area.

10/11 addendum: For use in this workshop, I'm collecting online dating profiles (our age only) that are either terrific, appealing examples or awful, waste-of-space examples. If you encounter either, please copy it without identifying the person except by gender and age and email it to me privately. This isn't about whether the person meets your personal taste requirements -- just whether the profile is a great example of how to write one, or a terrible example that no one would want to answer. Again, do not identify the person even by handle or URL -- this is not about embarrassing people, just giving us content to discuss.

More about Submitting to the Senior Erotica Anthology

2011-10-04T14:12:00.000-07:00

Please read my original Call for Submissions before reading this post.

What a response I've received since I posted my Call for Submissions on September 21! Several dozen writers sent me their contact info and author bios to let me know they're planning to submit by the Feb. 1 deadline. Quite a number of these have already emailed me their stories.

As I read through the early submissions, some are indeed steamy and celebrate senior sensuality while acknowledging the realities that are very different from the way sex (and life!) used to be when we were 20, 30, even 45. The best of these stories are provocative, innovative, and beautifully crafted as well as sexy.

But far too many of the stories I've received strike me as youthful erotica with an older chronological age slapped on. No, let's do something truly different here!

Those of you who are over 50, 60, 70 (and I specifically asked for writers over 50) know that our changed and changing bodies, responses, and need for stimulation are not mirrors of our youth. The dynamics of our relationships are different. The contexts of our lives are different. What we find sexy is different. What takes us over the top is different.

I'm looking for erotica that faces and embraces these changes -- erotica that makes us older folks shiver and tingle. Erotica of high literary quality. Erotica unlike what turns on younger readers.

That's what we don't find in the bookstore yet. That's what we want to read! That's why I proposed this project.

If you've already submitted your story and realize now -- reading this -- that you need to craft it further, please email me to withdraw your submission for now, and re-submit it when it's ready.

If you're younger than 50 and won't be turning 50 by Spring 2013, realize that I'll give preference to older writers, because one of the aims of this collection is to give older writers a voice.

And if you already did everything I'm asking for, thank you! I'll be in touch.

Minna Ola: My Main Squeeze!

2011-09-19T11:54:00.000-07:00

"How can you find something new to say about vibrators?" a male pal asked me. "Aren't they all alike, after all?" No, they're not all alike -- and the new Minna Ola shows just how innovative a vibrator can be! There's much to love about the Minna Ola from Babeland.

First notice the overall shape - definitely ergonomic. Hold the comfortable handle, and the padded end fits beautifully over the clitoris and surrounding nerve endings with no painful wrist tweaking.

Second, feel the padded end! It's soft, just right for our delicate tissues. Were they thinking of older women when they designed this? You've heard me complain that some clitoral vibrators are made of materials that are just too darned hard. Not this one! It's cushy.

Third, turn on the vibrator by pressing the button at the narrowest part of the neck, and press the pad again. The harder you press or squeeze, the more intense the vibrations. Sweet! No more figuring out how many times to press the controls to get the strongest vibration. Just press the padded part and it rumbles into action; the harder you press, the stronger the vibes.

Oh, but you're not done with the marvels of the Ola's design. You can create your own perfect pattern! Let's say you like a pattern that goes "quick-quick-slowwww-S T R O N G." Press the bigger button (the one above the on-off button), then press the padded part in that "quick-quick-slowwww-S T R O N G" pattern. Then release your pressing, and the pattern will repeat! Want to lock it in? Press the bigger button again, and the pattern will repeat until you press the button a third time or turn it off.

If those instructions sound complicated, I thought so, too, until I tried it a couple of times. Then it made perfect sense. Fortunately, there's a instruction booklet with clear words and illustrations.

As if we needed more reasons to love the Ola, here are some more:

It's completely waterproof. Take it into the bath or shower!
It's rechargeable with a magnetic recharger, so easy. No batteries, no cords while in use!
It's made of high-quality, body-safe silicone. (Use a water-based lubricant.)
It's great for couples as well as solo - nicely curved to fit between bodies.
It can be used vaginally as well as clitorally. (I didn't try it this way, too large for me.)
It's really quiet.
The vibrations are rumbly.
It arrives in a cute box with a nice storage bag.

Does this mean it's the perfect vibrator? I wish the strongest vibrations were stronger than they are. But that's me, always seeking turbo power. If you don't need super Hitachi-strength vibrations, yes, it just might be the perfect vibrator!

Thank you, Babeland, for the opportunity to review the Minna Ola!

Dating at Our Age?

2011-09-18T12:53:00.000-07:00

I've been pondering the topics I'll cover in my new workshop -- "How the Heck Do I Date at This Age?" -- which I'll debut in Milwaukee and Madison, Wisconsin on Oct. 1 and 2, 2011. (See my events page for details.)

Can I get you involved? If you're newly dating again, or if you've been single and dating for a long time, what questions and/or tips do you have for the rest of us?

For example, people who attend my book signings and speeches have asked me these questions about online dating and dating in general:

Is it okay to lie about my age? If I don't, no one will date me.
When I'm ready to have sex with a new person, how do I know if he's "safe"?
Why do men pursue me like crazy and then suddenly disappear and I never hear from them again?
After I meet someone, how do I say I don't want to see him/her again without hurting his/her feelings?
Why do women show photos of their pets and grandchildren on their profiles? I don't want to date their pets or grandchildren.
Why do men wear sunglasses in their profile photos? It looks like they're shifty and hiding.
Is there a nice way to ask women to send a full-body photo? Not nude or revealing, just showing their body type.
Why do men think that 30-50 pounds overweight is "average" build?
(From a man:) I posted my profile and got so many responses that I couldn't possibly answer them all. Are men so outnumbered?
(From a woman:) I posted my profile -- why didn't I get any responses?

You can bet I have answers for all of these, but I want to know your opinion first and get our community talking. Here's how you can participate with your comments:

1. Choose any of the above questions, and take a stab at the answer.
2. Add questions of your own.
3. Add tips to help seniors navigate dating at our age.
4. What else should we know?

After I get an array of comments, I'll write an update with my views. Your turn first!

Check out more "seniors dating" posts here.

Naked at Our Age Facebook Page

2011-09-16T15:14:00.000-07:00

If you wish I'd post more frequently, here's how to get your senior sex information fix daily, or even several times a day: My Naked At Our Age Facebook page is a resource for all sorts of news, views, and tidbits that relate to senior sex and sometimes to sexuality in general.

Here are some recent topics from the past few days:

The Great Wall of Vagina: a video about an art project presenting casts of vulvas, so we can see that we're all unique and beautiful, and our vulvas don't need surgical fixing.
Vibrators and Airports Don't Mix: When a sex educator traveling in China with her LELO Mia was questioned by non-English-speaking security, how did she communicate what this item was?
Do Christians have the largest penis? An 80-year-old blogger blames feminism, homosexuality, and Mexicans for the shrinkage of the average penis from 6.5" to 5.25". Or is it all a spoof?

I hope I've stimulated your curiosity! Visit http://www.facebook.com/JoanPriceAuthor, "like" the page so you can comment, and enjoy!

Friends with Benefits -- at our age?

2011-09-13T14:58:00.000-07:00

I get occasional emails from women asking whether a "friends with benefits" -- aka "sex buddy" -- relationship is possible at our age. The women who write me usually worry that they'll become too emotionally involved. I say that if you're worried about this, heed that fear, because it's likely a warning sign that this will happen.

Casual sex without entanglement can work, but only if we really believe it can, and we're clear ourselves as well as with our partners about the boundaries. Are we friends first, lovers second? Are we playing at romance, or refusing to let the relationship become romantic? Are the reasons that we want to be friends with benefits but not actual "in-love" lovers clear and valid to both of us? Honesty is required in this kind of relationship.

One woman asked me whether becoming sexual with a former "in-love" lover would work. I don't think so. If the relationship was once a full-on love affair, and it ended for good reasons, going backwards seems to me just confusing. The emotions that this love affair triggered once can't help but surface again, it seems to me, and someone will get hurt.

I hope I don't need to say that if there's another person involved -- your friend/lover has a primary partner -- that it has to be okay with the partner. Don't sneak or lie -- if it can't happen honestly, it shouldn't happen. I don't moralize much because I believe that anything two consenting adults do is no one's business but theirs. But if another partner is involved, that partner has to give consent, too.

In my thirties, forties, even fifties, I had friends with benefits at various times -- men who remain friends to this day, though it's been decades since we were sexually involved. Could it work today? I think so, given the right man, the right friendship, the right communication, the right circumstances. Please comment if you're involved in a friends with benefits relationship at our age, and tell us your tips for making it work.

Tina Tessina

My friend and writing colleague Tina B. Tessina, PhD, "Dr. Romance," is a licensed psychotherapist and author of "The Dr. Romance Blog" as well as 13 books. Her newest book is Lovestyles: How to Celebrate Your Differences. Tina contributes these tips and food for thought before embarking on a friends with benefits relationship:

If you’re thinking about having sex with a friend, be very careful, because it is not easy to preserve a friendship once you have sex. We think we can control our feelings, but it's not so simple.

*If one of you becomes romantically attached as a result of the sex, the friendship will probably not survive.

*If you've done it before, and you know you can keep your feelings in check, you might be successful, but what about your friend? Are you sure he or she is aware of his or her own feelings and motives?

*Think about it in advance and talk about it a lot

*Are you going to keep dating others while you're doing this FWB thing?

*What if one of you falls in love with someone else?

* What if you just want out of the deal after a while?

*What if only one of you falls in love, instead of remaining friends?

Keep talking throughout the FWB arrangement It sounds a lot more fun and easier than it really is.

The benefit is being able to have sex with someone you know, rather than a stranger. The disadvantages are: It could be the end of the friendship.

One person (usually the woman) could fall in love, while the other (usually the man) doesn't want to pursue more of a relationship. It may keep you from finding a real relationship, because you're too comfortable to look.

If you start to develop feelings, pay attention! Don't ignore it. Let your partner know, and watch the reaction. If you don't get a positive response, cut off the sex. That's the way to see if the other person is also emotionally attached or not. Don't languish in a friends-with-benefits relationship when you want more. If he suddenly meets someone else and marries her, you'll be devastated.

If you want to cut off the sex, you need to explain why you're doing it. "I'm developing deeper feelings for you, and since you don't seem to return them, I have to stop having sex with you. I'd like to still be friends." Or, "I can't even be your friend for a while, because I'm grieving."

Maintaining this type of relationship is not easy for anyone. It only seems easy at the beginning. My office is full of people who had their hearts broken this way. Older people tend to be a little wiser and more cautious about it than younger people, but all ages get hurt.

Don't just let things develop on their own. Definitely talk about it beforehand, or as soon as possible. You need to establish that the friendship is important to both of you, and you don't want to ruin it. You also need to talk about feelings, to open that subject for future discussion.

* If you want to turn a friendship into a full-on relationship, and you’re serious about it, then you need to talk about that, too. Your friendship will be altered forever when you have sex for the first time. You have things to lose here, and things to gain.

*Make some agreements, discuss the above questions, and keep talking about it.

Back to being friends

Friendships that go from friends to lovers back to friends can be very close, because you know each other so well. The first thing you need to do is talk about it. Make a deal that you won't do anything that would jeopardize your friendship, and stick to it. (That means, acting as a friend, and not acting jealous if he/she has a date.)

The more emotionally mature you are, the easier it is to re-establish the friendship. Openness increases intimacy. So friends who can talk about everything feel closer than friends who can't.

Webicina: Top Sexuality Blogs

2011-09-05T08:25:00.000-07:00

Thank you, Webicina, for honoring this blog as one of the nine best sexual health blogs on the Web! Webicina points out,

The web is exceptionally rich in Sexual Health-related information, but many of these sites contain spams or false content. Here we feature only quality social media resources.

NakedAtOurAge.com (AKA Better Than I Ever Expected: Sex & Aging) is the only blog honored by Webicina that focuses specifically on older-age sexuality, and I'm proud that our age group is being recognized here.

Webicina is dedicated to offering patients "the most relevant, curated, medical social media resources" covering 80+ medical topics, 3,000 resources, and 17 languages. Webicina.com was co-founded by Dr. Bertalan Mesko, the author of the award-winning medical blog, Scienceroll.com; speaker, health 2.0 consultant and innovator who has been helping physicians enter the social media era and empowered patients find medically reliable content online for years.

Check out the other 8 winners -- they're well worth your time!

Bonding with Betty Dodson

2011-08-25T12:00:00.000-07:00

"There's the woman who drove me crazy!" I heard from inside Betty Dodson's apartment as I rang the doorbell.

Although Betty and I had corresponded by email, and she had written the fabulous foreword to Naked at Our Age, we had never met in person. Now, on this trip to New York, I was about to have the opportunity and pleasure of spending a couple of hours with this icon of sexual empowerment.

But -- "drove me crazy"? Was she referring to me? Her memory was that I was the pushy broad who had pursued her relentlessly until she agreed to write the foreword to Naked, after she told me a thousand times she was too busy.

My memory was that she had told me once that she was too busy. I had said, "Just read the table of contents and one chapter of the manuscript, and then tell me whether you can make time." She had done so and said, "I'll do it."

I laugh at my unreliable memory a lot these days, and so does Betty at almost-83, though she's as sharp, smart, and witty as any three young people combined, so maybe her version is right. Regardless, she loves the book and believes in my mission.

We bonded immediately. Within two minutes of my arrival, Betty lifted her tunic and flashed her bare booty at me, saying, "I haven't finished getting dressed yet."

"Woo hoo! Do that again," I said, grabbing my cell phone camera. She repeated the action several times so I could get a good photo.

"May I post this on my blog?" I asked, showing Betty the best shot.

"Absolutely not!" she replied. So Betty Dodson's naked butt resides on my phone photo gallery exclusively -- sorry, folks!

Betty took a couple of phone calls while I was there, from TV shows and interviewers. She'll be celebrating her 83rd birthday at a huge event in Norway, is working on video projects, and is in no way slowing down. See her projects on her website: http://dodsonandross.com/.

Betty introduced me to the lively and lovely Carlin Ross, her business partner, who was sitting behind one of the three microphones set up in Betty's bedroom/office. Carlin informed me that we were recording a podcast together. Oh!

The three of us chatted for an hour about senior sex, sharing and laughing and having a fine time. (The podcast is live now, listen here.)

I left Betty's apartment joyful and even more impressed with Betty Dodson than I had been two hours before. What a woman. She called me "sister warrior" in an email after she read Naked at Our Age. On this day, she called me "friend."

8/25/11: I moved this post from 7/12/11 to the top today to celebrate Betty's 83rd birthday! Happy birthday, dear Betty, and thank you for living audaciously and authentically!

House of Holes: A Book of Raunch

2011-08-19T14:47:00.000-07:00


Nicholson Baker

House of Holes: A Book of Raunch by Nicholson Baker is crude, rude, erotic, and utterly hilarious!

In this joyful and irreverent novel, Baker offers a pleasure resort where guests can experience every manner of sexual titillation and fulfillment, including many that they (and we) never could have imagined.

Entry is by gazing into some hole - it might be looking through a straw, a dryer door, or a male urethra. If you're lucky, you're sucked through to the House of Holes, where any orifice or penetrator that you could desire is awaiting your delight.

If you've got a fantasy, describe it and it's yours. If you don't, or you stammer trying to communicate it, the House of Holes opens up to show you sex acts, partners (including a tree and a lake), and an overflow of erotic possibilities.

It's not free! Guests pay dearly, and sometimes sacrifice limbs and clitorises in the pursuit of pleasure. But everything gets reattached in the end.

The plot is outrageous, and almost every page leads to an orgasm or more for someone or many. The characters and plot twists had me laughing out loud. Dave lets HoH detach his arm for a week in return for a bigger penis, and that arm - which fortunately has a working hand and fingers - provides many orgasms to the woman who adopts it.

I loved this book, especially Baker's inventive language. How many ways can he say penis, vulva, testicles, or clitoris, or describe a sex act? Try these:

"Chuck's thundertube of dickmeat started sliding in. It pushed her frilly doilies of labia flesh aside...."
"Do you want this ham steak of a Dr. Dick that's so stuffed with spunk that I'm ready to blow this swollen sackload all over you?"
"Cold drops [from a Magic Kentucky Lime] fell on Marcele's little thumper bean."
[Man describing his enjoyment of his "proud, nasty cock":] "Hard as a ship's biscuit, but fresher."

Baker is brilliant writer and a master of invention. Sometimes his novel becomes a parody of itself. I can sense the wink-wink when he seems to deliberately insert a phrase that is so god-awful that I'm convinced he wants it entered in the Worst Sex Writing of the Year contest. For example:

"She threw her legs open and he slowly socketed himself deep in her famished slutslot."
"I wish I was a man who had a store where he made custom sequin pasties for exotic dancers and you were an exotic dancer and came into the store and ordered a set of spiral pasties and so I had to measure your aureoles for fit."
"She held his head and moved her cuntal hand in slow connoisseurial ovals, and then, making her fingers rigid, she DJ'd herself, as if her clit was a scratch record."
"I want your bosoms naked as jaybirds. Big, honking jaybirds."
"Betsy, no, I can't come on your coffee table! Those are your husband's hiking magazines."

Can you tell this book is fabulous fun? Amid the frivolity, Baker drives home some light-hearted commentary about sex, relationships, and porn. (Oh, and crocheting.) For example:

The House of Holes sends out "pornsucker ships": "It's an airplane that flies around sucking up bad porn from cities... because bad porn is depressing and drowns out good porn."
We learn that when a woman wears a dress at a coffee shop on Saturday afternoon, it means she wants to meet somebody.
Pubic hairlessness "is a way of hiding... Hair is your true nakedness."
In the Hall of Penises, "toadlike things hanging out from holes in the wall" respond sexually to visitors, but "those penises had no clue what Polly, Donna, and Saucie were all about as women - what they believed in, what their plans were."
"It was, in fact, quite a nice-looking penis. Not intelligent looking - few penises were - but the testicles did somehow have the air of being attached to a man of substance."
"A soul mate is when you really think someone is great. You really like her a lot. You like when she explains things to you. You love her. That's a soul mate."

Although Baker is 54, only one of his characters - Lila, the director of House of Holes, "large and pretty in bifocals" - is over 50. When I asked Baker in an email about why he only had one older character, given his own age, and whether there's a place for senior erotica, he replied,

The characters just popped out of my head--I made Lila, the director, middle aged because I'm middle aged, and aside from that I probably didn't give it nearly as much thought as I should have. Yes of course there's a place for senior erotica--heck, maybe I'll give it a go in time. I hope you write some.

In fact, I am planning an anthology of senior sex erotica by writers over 50 and featuring characters who are sexy seniors and elders.If you're a writer who'd like to contribute (and I hope Nicholson Baker will!), or a reader who wants to be notified when this book happens, please email me.

I'm often asked how to spice up a long-term relationship where the sex has become ho-hum. Here's an idea: Read excerpts from House of Holes to each other!

I can't wait to read more of Nicholson Baker's books, especially Vox and The Fermata, his other erotic novels! Thank you, Mr. Baker, for such fine fun. And do consider writing senior erotica!

Erectile Dysfunction: Michael Castleman Talks to Men

2011-08-18T13:37:00.000-07:00

8/18/11 update: I'm bringing this older post to the top because it answers so many of the questions about erectile dysfunction that my readers are asking. Michael Castleman is also one of the experts in Naked at Our Age and I respect his knowledge and ability to convey important information simply and compassionately.

So many readers--both male and female--have been asking for information about erectile dysfunction that I asked Michael Castleman, a sex educator, counselor and journalist specializing in men's sexuality to answer some questions. His interview starts here and continues here.

Q: Explain erectile dysfunction (ED) and why it happens.

MC: Only a small fraction of men from age 45-60 have true ED. A larger but still modest fraction of men over 60 have true ED. True ED is the inability to raise an erection despite vigorous extended hand massage of the penis. True ED is usually the result of a medical problem, either a problem with the nerves that control erection, or more likely, narrowing of the arteries that carry blood into the penis. Like the arteries of the heart, the arteries into the penis can become narrowed by atherosclerotic plaques. Causes of plaque formation: heart disease, diabetes, smoking, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, high-fat diet, sedentary lifestyle. In other words, all risk factors for heart disease are also risk factors for ED. In addition, ED can be caused or aggravated by stress and anxiety, which constrict the arteries and limit blood flow into the penis.

Q: What about men who are capable of erections, but they're less reliable than they used to be and require more stimulation?

MC: While only a fraction of men over 45 experience true ED, just about every man experiences what sex therapists call "erection dissatisfaction" (EDis). After 45 or 50 or so, men with EDis can still raises erections, but they don't rise as quickly as they used to. They no longer rise from fantasy alone--seeing an attractive woman or some erotic scene. Men begin to need direct penis stimulation by hand or mouth. When erections rise, they may not look/feel as firm as they were in the man's 20s. They may also droop from minor distractions, anything from donning a condom to hearing a motorcycle roar up the street.

The good news is that EDis is a normal and natural part of aging. If older erections wilt a bit, hand massage and/or oral stimulation bring them back up again--IF the man remains relaxed and patient with himself. If the man gets stressed and anxious, this reduces the likelihood of a return to fullish erection.

Many (most?) older men are unclear on the distinction between true ED and EDis. Many mistakenly think they have ED when they experience the normal age-related erection changes of EDis. Now EDis can be disconcerting. I've been a sex educator for 30 years. I knew all about what happens to erections after 50. But when those changes started happening to ME, I found them unnerving. P.S. Erection medication (Viagra etc) helps treat EDis. In fact, most men who take erection drugs don't have true ED. They have EDis.

Q: Many men fear that they can't please a woman without an erection, or they give up on sex altogether. Is an erection necessary for sex?

MC: Of course not. As you know, women's pleasure organ is the clitoris. Many women prefer cunnilingus to intercourse. Surveys show that only 25% of women are reliably orgasmic from intercourse, no matter how vigorous or how long it lasts. So women know that an erection and vaginal insertion are not necessary or sufficient for sexual pleasure and orgasm. But many men DON'T know this.

Q: How did men's sexual education skip that important concept that women's orgasms are based on clitoral stimulation, and that most women don't need penis-in-vagina penetration for their pleasure?

Most men get most of their sex ed from pornography. Porn is totally penis-centered. Porn actors have monster cocks, which makes normally endowed men feel they're "too small." Mainstream porn includes a bit of massage and cunnilingus, but it's mostly about sucking and fucking, so that's what men come to believe sex is all about.

I've spent my life as a sex educator and counselor trying to persuade men that they'll have better sex and get better reviews from women if they ditch their preoccupation with their penis and focus instead on leisurely, playful, whole-body, massage-based sensuality. But compared with porn, which is viewed overwhelmingly by men and is by far men's #1 source of sex ed, the combined voices of every sex expert on earth amount to a little whisper in the hurricane of porn porn porn.

Here's where I plug my book, Great Sex. Its message to men: If you want great sex, if you want women to sing your praises as a lover, stop trying to imitate porn. In fact, do the opposite of what you see in porn. Not only will she be happier, you will be, too. You'll enjoy sex more and have fewer sex problems--more cooperative erection and better ejaculatory control.

Michael Castleman, M.A., is the author of twelve books, including Great Sex: The Man's Guide to the Secrets of Whole-Body Sensuality and Sexual Solutions: For Men and the Women Who Love Them. From 1991-95, he answered the sex questions submitted to the Playboy Advisor. Visit his website about sex after midlife, http://www.greatsexafter40.com//.

I'm not too proud to beg....

2011-08-08T22:23:00.000-07:00

Dear readers, if you find the information in this blog worthwhile, even exemplary -- if you think this blog is among the best sexuality blogs -- please nominate it (and me) here for the Top 100 Sexiest Bloggers of 2011 award given by Rori at Between My Sheets and her sex-savvy panel of judges.

Last year this blog was ranked #10 of the top 100. It was the only one about senior sex, which made me especially proud.

Although I see that I've been nominated already, a few more nominations would let the judges see that we seniors, boomers, and elders value a blog about the sexual and sex-related issues that concern our age group specifically.

So, if you care to showcase our place in the sexuality blogosphere, please go here and tell them that Joan Price, blogger at www.nakedatourage.com (aka http://betterthanieverexpected.blogspot.com/) gets your nomination. You can nominate several blogs at the same time.

I'm not allowed to nominate my own blog -- but I am allowed to beg!

Thank you!

Doctor, Doctor, Talk to Us about Senior Sex

2011-08-06T16:46:00.000-07:00

Angry and/or bewildered readers write me or raise their hands at my talks with tales of doctors who can't or won't inform them about sex.

Just a few of the many examples seniors have shared with me:

One woman described how her oncologist bolted from the room when she asked how her cancer treatment would affect her sexuality.
A man emailed me that he finally got the nerve to tell his doctor that he could no longer have erections. "You have ED," he was told, and that was that. I was the one to tell him that ED is a symptom, not a diagnosis, and he needed to get tests run to find out what was going on.
Several women with vaginal pain reported that their doctors offered them no help other than telling them their vaginas were "normal" and they should just use more lubricant. A referral to a vulvar pain specialist or a pelvic floor therapist would have helped these women enjoy sex again.
Several men told me that they were never told that treatments for their medical conditions would interfere with their erectile difficulty and that other options were available.

A woman at one of my bookstore talks told a roomful of sympathetic listeners that after a hysterectomy at age 70+, she asked her doctor what she should know about resuming sex. He asked, "Do you have a partner?" "No, she replied. "Then you don't need to worry about that, do you?"

When I retell this story in different parts of the country on my travels, there's always someone who says, "I know that doctor!"

I always rush to defend doctors, being a doctor's daughter and a doctor's sister, and having had my own life saved and quality of life restored by brilliant medical professionals.

But that doesn't mean that I think doctors and other medical professionals adequately address senior sex -- they do not. I know that their medical training barely addresses sexuality at all, and doesn't deal with senior sex whatsoever. Unless doctors make an effort to educate themselves (and bless 'em, some do!), they just don't know what to tell us.

I give my readers and audiences tools for talking to their doctors, for example, saying, "If you can't help me with this, give a referral to someone who can."

The worst thing we can do is keep silent about our sexual challenges or mumble and give up.

I invite your comments -- your stories about doctors who have or have not helped you regarding your sexuality, and especially what you would like doctors to know about what we seniors/boomers/elders need from them in that realm.

For example, Ron posted to my Naked at Our Age Facebook page (which I hope you'll visit and "like"!), "Docs need to be up on the sexual side effects of medications and we need to be sure to tell docs we don't want any meds that somehow reduce our libido or capability."

Your turn!

MiMi - Tiny but Mighty

2011-08-05T16:04:00.000-07:00

If you're new to my blog, about every couple of weeks, I review a sex toy from a senior perspective.

What's a "senior perspective" and why do we need it?

Because our need for long, slow arousal necessitates a vibrator that doesn't overheat, run out of battery charge, or burst into flames if we need to use it for a long time. We want sex toys that don't strain arthritic wrists. We want to be able to see the controls without having to put on our reading glasses. Above all, we need intensity: strong vibrations. We're battling our (lack of) hormones, people.

So I review sex toys from this senior perspective. I welcome your comments, whether you agree or disagree. I'm just one person, and our preferences vary. Whether a toy works for me may depend on "fit" as well as preference, and it's useful for all of us if you post your own experience in the comments section. (Email me if you have trouble with that and I'll walk you through it or post it for you.)

To see the whole list of vibrators I've reviewed, click here.

This week, I'm reviewing the tiny but mighty MiMi. This clitoral vibrator from JeJoue, available from Babeland, rests easily in your palm, covers your clitoris and labia sweetly, and -- though I haven't tried it this way yet -- is just the size and shape to slip between bodies during partner sex to provide clitoral stimulation.

MiMi has a smooth, matte finish that provides just the right balance between glide and a little "tug" for friction. It's rechargeable: attach it magnetically to its charger ahead of time, then just enjoy it -- no batteries or cords to fuss with during use. It's even waterproof!

The controls are at one end and easy to access during use. I found them a bit difficult to press -- you have to bear down. That may be good, because it prevents accidentally turning it off, which is an annoying problem with some toys!

Cycle through the "+" and "-" buttons to discover five intensities and five different patterns. You know me -- I go for the strongest intensity, steady rhythm. I liked that the vibrations were rumbly rather than buzzy, and for a tiny vibrator, they're pretty strong!

Be careful to avoid getting lube on the controls, which makes them even more difficult to use when slippery. I found that just wiping the controls with a dry washcloth after lubing the toy and myself took care of that problem.

My MiMi is a pretty rose color. It's lightweight and small enough for travel -- just 3-1/2" by 2-1/2". It's quiet for a vibrator, too -- just play some soft music at the same time, and no one in the next room will hear Mimi. (I can't promise they won't hear your pleasure sounds, though.)

MiMi comes in a pretty box for gift-giving.

Thank you, Babeland, for sending this delightful vibrator to me.

Single Seniors Mixer now happening after my talks!

2011-08-03T11:47:00.000-07:00

I was speaking at Copperfield's Books in Sebastopol, CA, to a roomful of eager listeners, mostly our age. My favorite part is always the Q&A segment, which this time ran until the staffer announced that we had to stop because the store was closing.

Many of the questions were from singles about dating. For example:

"Is it OK to lie about my age on the online dating sites?" a beautiful, vibrant woman of 70+ asked. "If I tell the truth, no one will date me." I got on my soapbox about telling the truth, changing society's view of older people as unsexy and undesirable by showing that yes, we're 72 or 67 or 78 and still sexy. Coincidentally, Helen Mirren at 66 was just voted "Body of the Year" against plenty of 20-30-year-old celebrities. (I know we're not Helen Mirren, but my point stands.)

"Are condoms really necessary at our age?" Yes! Most of group was flabbergasted when I told them that fastest growing population for new HIV infections was the 50+ age group. "Should I repeat that?" I asked. People nodded. I repeated it. "People with SDSs don't tell you the truth -- sometimes they don't even know they're infected, and sometimes they lie!" I explained why I felt it was important to have a whole chapter in Naked at Our Age about safe sex, and I gave tidbits from that chapter about having the "condom conversation" and about eroticizing condom use.

After the audience disbanded, several people, mostly unpartnered, came up to me to ask more questions. But the store was closing, and we had to stop.

Afterwards, I realized I had missed a great opportunity. I should have invited the singles to join me at a restaurant next door for dessert and conversation. I should have organized a "Senior Singles Mixer."

So that's what I did at Book Passage in Corte Madera, CA, the following Saturday. It turned out to be more a discussion group than a "see if there's someone here you want to date" event. We talked candidly about our personal dating experiences, hopes, apprehensions. We listened to each other with interest and compassion, and left understanding more about each other and ourselves.

I'm motivated now to announce a "Senior Singles Mixer/ Discussion" at the end of all my talks from now on, as long as the organizers agree. My next one is at the Center for Sex and Culture in San Francisco on August 18. (See more info about this and all my upcoming events here.)

Join me?

If you're not nearby, what would you like to discuss in a Single Seniors Mixer/ Discussion group? You can bring up topics right here.

Bsoft Massager: vibrator review

2011-07-26T13:30:00.000-07:00

What an odd shape -- that was my first thought when I received my Bsoft clitoral vibrator from Eden Fantasys sex toys. After 67 years, I thought I knew my female anatomy, and this didn't look like it would match anything that I knew.

One side is mildly concave, the other is ridged. One end is pointier than the other. The whole thing vibrates!

I wasn't sure how to hold it -- which side was "up"? Nothing seemed sized or shaped the way I was.

The manual didn't help--it's for various products and in many languages, with no specifics about using it, and in such small type that no one can read it anyway.

So I decided to experiment and see what I liked. I'm sure that the reason for the lack of direction is to encourage us to do just that, since there's no wrong way to use it. It was fun to experiment, but ultimately unsatisfying.

The name "Bsoft" led me to believe that this toy would be softer -- more cushiony or flexible -- than it is. It's hard. There's nothing soft about it, and as I explored different positions and pressures, I got mad at its misnomer.

I found more to dislike than to like, even if I were to be forgiving about the name. If I pressed with the end where I was feeling the strongest vibrations, it sort of pinched delicate tissue. The concave position was too light for sensation, and the ridge was more irritating than stimulating.

Usually if I don't like a toy personally, I try to figure out who would like it. If it's too light for me, would it be good for a first timer? Not with this complicated, non-intuitive shape. If it didn't fit my physiology, would it fit someone else's? Darned if I know. (Let me know if you found it just right for you.)

I ended up turning it off and reaching for my dependable Hitachi Magic Wand. What's a woman to do?

Even though I couldn't find much to like about using the Bsoft, it does have its attributes: rechargeable, waterproof, easy-to-use controls, easy to clean. very lightweight for travel.

Thank you, Eden Fantasys for sending me the Bsoft -- sorry I didn't like it better!

Grief Sucks

2011-07-23T11:53:00.000-07:00

Last night, I burst into tears in the locker room of the health club where I teach line dancing. I haven't done that in a long time, and it surprised me, but I couldn't control it.

We're coming up on the third anniversary of Robert's death August 2, and the dance class was a huge part of our love story. We met in my class and we fell in love there. The loss happened there, too -- he announced his cancer diagnosis to the class, kept dancing even as he got weaker, until he finally couldn't do it any more.

"Dance with Joan, and you're dancing with me," he wrote in a letter to the class when he needed to tell them he wouldn't be back.

The first year after Robert died, I cried after dance class on a regular basis. I also cried in private, in public, in my car. I cried in the park, at the DMV, at Trader Joe's, in the doctor's office, walking along the street.

I couldn't help it. It was like my heart caved in and squeezed out huge, unstoppable waves of sobs. I wailed, too, but at least I could hold back the screams until I was in a private place (though my neighbors came running once).

Do I miss Robert still, almost three years after his death? Only when I breathe. Only when I open or close my eyes.

Oh, I function very well. I write, I teach my dance classes, I travel talking about senior sex -- my favorite subject! How lucky I am to get to spend my day doing what I love!

I laugh a lot and I make others laugh. I learn, I teach, and what I do helps other people. I do find joy in my life. It's a good life, I know that. I'm even kinda sorta dipping my toes into dating, as you know from my (very infrequent!) posts about dating, such as this one.

But I'm not done with grief, perhaps I never will be. Those of you who have lost a loved one know the grief journey isn't predictable. You can be doing just fine, and then, boom, you burst out crying in the locker room.

The emotional stab wounds close up, then rip open again. I know this is "normal" because grief isn't linear, it's cyclical. Thank goodness, each year it gets easier to cope. As my uncle, psychotherapist Larry LeShan who lost his wife of 58 years, says, "The knife still keeps stabbing, but not as deep or as often."

I didn't want to call this post "Grief Sucks." I don't like the term, and personally, I think sucking is a delightful pasttime and shouldn't be associated with a negative experience. But hey, this post wrote itself and insisted on that title. Sometimes that happens.

As always, I welcome your comments.

Your Questions about Senior Sex

2011-07-21T13:37:00.000-07:00

When I give a talk about senior sex, my favorite part is answering your questions. I feel both proud and humble that you trust me (and the audience) enough to voice your concerns.

I've been traveling to tell people about my new book, Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex and talking at bookstores, sexuality shops, a senior center, a restaurant, and my 50th high school reunion (!) about the myths and realities of older age sexuality. Here are some of the most frequent questions and topics you've been sharing:

The #1 question from partnered seniors is how to revive a dull, infrequent, or nonexistent sex life. I talk about scheduling sex and understanding that at our age, desire often follows physiological arousal rather than the other way around. In other words, getting started with touching and kissing will get you in the mood after your body starts responding -- don't wait to be in the mood.

Single seniors ask about the importance of safe sex, hoping (from the wording of your questions and the looks on your faces) that I'll tell you we probably don't need condoms at our age. I tell you the opposite of that -- yes, we need to use condoms, and we should do so whether someone tells us his or her health history or not. The fastest growing population for new HIV infections is the over 50 age group.

Women whose partners experience erectile difficulties often don't understand what's going on ("Is it because I don't attract him any more?") or what to do to keep the sensuality going in the relationship ("Isn't it cruel teasing if I want to touch and be touched?").

Both men and women scoff at the idea of sex toys until I tell them why a well-placed vibrator can mean the difference between orgasm or not.

Is it any surprise that that one place people were reluctant to ask questions was my high school reunion? It's understandable -- we were with people we hadn't seen since we were 17 and our main sex problem was how to hide our activities from our parents! When I saw that my classmates were uneasy about asking questions, I said, "If you'd rather talk to me privately, I'll be giving consultations in the corner."

For the rest of the weekend, people came up to me to request their "consultation in the corner"!

Your comments are welcome. If you were in my audience, what question do you hope I'd answer? If you're brave, include the answer you think I'd give!

If you want to be in my audience for real, click here to see my upcoming events. I'd love to meet you!

Moving Forward, but Not Saying Goodbye

2011-07-17T10:52:00.000-07:00


Celebrating Robert's 71st birthday

"The task of saying good-bye seems insurmountable," a friend wrote after losing her husband one month ago to the same cancer -- multiple myeloma -- that ripped my Robert's life from him. I wrote this to her yesterday:

On August 2, it will be 3 years since I lost Robert. But I haven't said goodbye to him yet, nor do I plan to. I talk to him still -- and sometimes he answers.

I find joy in my life (especially now that my new book has come out and I'm giving talks and interviews), and I'm still startled by the realization that I can't come home and tell him about what happened. Then I DO come home and tell him about what happened.

Is it magical thinking? Denial? It sustains me, whatever it is. You'll figure out how to sustain yourself through this loss eventually, but that can't be rushed. Meanwhile, just be real with your children, and take time for yourself, even if it's painful. You can't skip that part.

I really, really recommend counseling -- as much as you can get!

If you want to talk, or go for a walk and let any thoughts emerge that need to, I'm available. Even if you want to say, "I'm not ready yet, but I'll let you know when I am" (which is what I had to tell people who offered early in my grief journey), I'll welcome your message.

Love,
Joan

I know that some of my readers have also lost their beloved partners, and I extend my invitation to listen if you want to talk. I wasn't strong enough to do this at first, but one little step at a time, I got there. So many people helped me when I needed it most that it would give me joy to pass it forward and help others. Email me if you need to share.

I wrote the grief chapter in Naked at Our Age through tears. It was very important to include my own and reader stories of grief, because part of love and sex at our age is, sadly, that one of us will lose the other.

Last week, a woman at one of my talks bought my book, saying that she had just lost her husband. I held her hand and listened, and suggested that she read the grief chapter first. "I already did, while I was waiting. That's what made me decide to buy it."

I welcome your comments.

Free Fall: A Late in Life Love Affair, an erotic memoir

2011-07-06T08:00:00.000-07:00

7/6/11 update: I'm moving this October 2010 book review to the front of the blog today because Rae Padilla Francoeur and I are speaking about ageless sexuality at two venues in New York City. I think Rae's book is brilliant, engrossing, and passionate, so I want to be sure you know about it. -- Joan

"Where are the books by and for women over 50 that deal honestly with sexuality?" I've asked myself for years. Dozens of self-help books for our age group have appeared in the past four years, thank goodness, but where are the sexually honest novels and memoirs that talk about our lives, our passions, our desires, our sexuality, our inner lives? Finally -- Free Fall: A Late in Life Love Affair by Rae Padilla Francoeur arrives with honesty and sizzle.

Free Fall is an erotic memoir and much more. Rae Padilla Francoeur, age 58, begins a love affair with Jim, age 67. It's hot, very hot, explosively hot. Rae describes the passionate details -- how he touches and controls her body, how her passions smolder, build, and erupt. As graphic as her details are, I'm pleased that she uses language our generation is comfortable with -- penis, vagina -- instead of the edgier language that characterizes most contemporary erotica.

And, oh my, this book is beautifully written:

I am shameless. I will slide over every inch of him, kissing him back, wrestling in all that sweat to stay on top. I am sure I will never get enough of him. He will find this out and, being the man he is, he will revel in trying to find the outer limits of my stamina and prowess. He never will.
...
I've become so still and quiet and deep in the zone where my brain is one massive sensor hooked into the places he touches and the places I touch. There is nothing else. I'm all body.
...
We're kissing each other like the end of time is on the other side of the door. We kiss like this for ten or fifteen minutes until suddenly Jim stops it all. He steps back. He pulls my skirt over my hips. He takes my hand and places it on his penis.

Rae Padilla Francoeur

The title refers to more than Rae's "free fall" into later-life passion. Like all of us, her love affair doesn't happen in a vacuum. Much of the book deals with her other "free fall" -- her relationship with Eli, her partner of many years, who is losing his battle with bipolar disorder. Rae loves him deeply, though her love is more brotherly than loverly by now, but she must choose herself over Eli if she is to survive. Eli's story grips us as much as Rae's love affair with Jim.

Free Fall: A Late in Life Love Affair is one of the best books I've read in years. I hope you'll read it for yourself, and let us know what you think.

Mini-Wahl - only one speed: ferocious!

2011-06-26T20:47:00.000-07:00

I had a Wahl as my first vibrator in my thirties. I bought it at Macys in the "personal care" department -- it was a (wink-wink) massager for tight muscles and for giving the face a rosy glow. It did that, all right! I loved it and named it Wally.

Over the decades, I discovered the Hitachi and other wonders of the world, but Wally really taught me about my sexuality in my youth, when sex was easy, available, yet confusing. I was sad to discard my Wahl at about age 50 when all the plastic attachments had cracked and crumbled and it ran dangerously hot.

When EdenFantasys announced the arrival of the new Mini-Wahl, I couldn't wait to see how it had been reinvented! This model is lightweight in ounces but not in vibrational intensity -- it's a strong vibrator!

It comes with a bunch of pop-on massage attachments for scalp and sore muscles (seriously), and although I tried every one for my -- ahem! - purposes, the only one I liked was this maze-like, round shape that targeted the clitoris and sort of radiated out to a larger area. I found all the attachments rather hard, not the soft rubbery feel that might be more appealing.

The Mini-Wahl recharges by plugging it in and sitting it in its base (if you want -- you don't have to use the base) for a while. Then you don't have to deal with wires or batteries. It's quite unattractive, but maybe that's okay, because it looks so much like an ugly old muscle massager that you don't have to hide it.

It's shaped for ease of holding. The neck of the holder looks like it should bend, but it's actually not very flexible. The Mini-Wahl is really noisy, and if you try to make it bend, it gets noisier.

I've tested many vibrators that have multiple speeds and modes and I just turn the thing all the way up, so it didn't bother me that this vibrator has only one speed: ferocious. If you like a more gradual build-up, you might want to use one of your other toys first until you're close to blast-off.

If you've encountered vibrators that are too strong for you, this one probably wouldn't please you. In fact, some women complain that it's too strong and even "numbing." But if you are among those of us who require extra intensity, the strength is a good thing.

I recommend the Mini-Wahl if you want a strong vibrator that you don't have to hide, and especially if you want to massage sore muscles in addition to playing with it sexually.

Compared to other vibrators I've used and love, though--click here for my other reviews (keep scrolling to "older posts" -- I've reviewed dozens of them!) -- it rates maybe 3 stars out of 5. It does the intended job efficiently, but others do the same job while being prettier, quieter, and more comfortable. It's less than half the price of some of my favorites, though, so do consider it if price is a consideration!

Thank you, EdenFantasys, for sending me the Mini-Wahl for review.

Breaking Rules at Our Age

2011-06-22T12:16:00.000-07:00

What sexual “rules” have you broken since turning 50, 60, or beyond?

I ask this because I discovered from the interviews and reader stories that you'll read in Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex, many of us make some pretty drastic changes in our lives after age 50. Maybe we get divorced, discover love, open up our marriage, take a new lover, experiment with kink or multiple partners or virtual sex -- or some combination of these or other alternatives.

The point is that although society sees us as settled into mid-life or old age, we're far from "settled." I think there's something about emerging from menopause that makes us question where we want to be in our lives. Menopause often feels like an upheaval -- I've described it before as "PMS on steroids" -- where everything seems upside down. We don't want to be responsible for remembering the whole family's appointments, for example, and we might not be overly kind when we tell family members to take care of themselves.

After the upheaval settles, we see our lives differently. We realize that it's now or never: it's up to us to invent -- or reinvent -- what we want the rest of our lives to be, and what we have to do to actively go after our dreams.

At the same time, in our sexual world, the old ways may not work any more. We may need different kinds of arousal or even a different type of relationship or a different partner. Major!

I got so many stories from my Naked at Our Age interviewees about alternative sex practices that this topic became a whole chapter: "Off the Beaten Path: Nontraditional Sex Practices and Relationships." People wrote about swinging, polyamory, BDSM, friends with benefits, older women/younger men (20-30 years difference!), phone sex, and more.

I predicted that younger readers would be shocked at what seniors are doing behind closed doors, and I should have guessed that it would shock our own age group, too. I've heard a couple of criticisms that this chapter and the one titled "Hiring Sensuality" (which I won't tell you about -- you have to read that one for yourself, and no, it's not just men hiring sex!) make it sound like I'm endorsing or even pushing people towards alternative lifestyles.

I'm not pushing anyone into anything. I'm showing senior sex -- behaviors and attitudes -- in all its colors and stripes. Personally, I support adults doing with other consenting adults whatever brings them pleasure, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone -- including the partners of those consenting adults. I have "vanilla" tastes myself, but that's beside the point. The book is only partly about me. It's really about you... and you... and you.

So back to my original question: What sexual “rules” have you broken since turning 50, 60, or beyond? By rules I mean society's rules, the law, unspoken or spoken rules in a relationship, even your own rules. I'd love to see a dialogue start here. Please comment!

Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex is now available! Order an autographed copy directly from me -- be sure to let me know to whom to autograph it -- by clicking the PayPal button below...

Or order from Amazon here. To order from other retailers, please see http://www.joanprice.com/contact.htm

Learn more about Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex here.

Jimmyjane Form 4: How do I love thee?

2011-06-16T23:21:00.000-07:00

I have a new lover. He teased me in the shower, and then I took him to bed with me and had my way with him. His name is Jimmyjane Form 4, but I'll call him Frankie because his full name sounds too formal and boring, and he's anything but boring. He's a luxury vibrator, and I think I'm in love. Thank you, Kama Sutra Closet, for introducing us!

What do I love about Frankie? His vibrations are strong, and just the type I like: throbbing and rumbly rather than buzzy. The shape, which looks rather odd, is a lovely fit lengthwise against the whole vulva, with the business end (the smaller end which houses the motor) covering the clitoris and the rest of the vibrator pressed down for extra stimulation. At least that's my favorite way to use it.

If you prefer, the smaller end can be inserted to stimulate the G-spot. I'm enjoying Frankie so much externally that I haven't wanted to switch. It's about 1.5" diameter at the bulby part of the smaller end, then tapers in, then expands again to a 2" diameter at the biggest part, which I can't imagine inserting.

I love the velvety silicone -- a matte finish that is smooth but with a little drag for friction. Use lube, of course -- non-silicone is best for use with silicone toys. It has a little flexibility, making it easy to position and not have to crook an arthritic wrist uncomfortably.

It charges by sitting in its charging seat. Once charged, it's cord-free and battery-free. It's completely waterproof -- not just splash-proof, but immersible. Hence my shower foreplay.

I have to chide Jimmyjane for making the controls impossible to read unless you're wearing reading glasses and standing in bright sunlight. Fortunately, once you've learned where the three controls are and what they do ("+" for more intense; "-" for less intense; a wavy squiggle for changing function), you can do it by feel.

Be careful that the side with the controls is facing away from your body, or you might accidentally press a button with your thumb that changes the action at the wrong moment, and that's a sad event indeed.

Shouldn't a luxury vibrator come with its own lint-free storage pouch? I think so. But Frankie arrived in a plastic case that clearly was meant for recycling, not for storage.

Never mind the case and the buttons -- Frankie is a dream lover of a vibrator.

Thank you, Kama Sutra Closet, for bringing us together. Right now Kama Sutra Closet is offering the Jimmyjane Form 4 for $116 (regular price $145!). Put in the code Better15 for a 15% discount on any other, regularly priced item.

Sugar in My Bowl: Real Women Write About Real Sex: book review

2011-06-15T12:22:00.000-07:00

Oh, my goodness – I started reading Sugar in My Bowl and I couldn’t stop. I loved this book.

Sugar in My Bowl: : Real Women Write About Real Sex, edited by. Erica Jong, is a remarkable anthology of personal essays and a few short stories, all with the theme of what women think about sex and how they remember and think back on pivotal sexual experiences.

As older women, we’re often ignored and made to feel invisible, especially our sexuality. I love it when books celebrate us, take us seriously, and convey our true experiences and attitudes.

That's what happens in this anthology. At least half of the writers are age 50+. You can tell from some of the photos and dates or era references in their essays. Some of the younger writers talk about their parents, so we get plenty of sex after midlife in this book.

In "Peekaboo I See You," Anne Roiphe describes playing doctor with a pal at age 5, while World War II was part of the adult world. "Jimmy puts his hand on my wee wee and he leans down to examine it carefully." Later they reverse roles, and she wonders, "What do you do with those things below your penis?" "Nothing, he says, "they're just there for decoration." Of course they get caught. We always got caught.

In "Worst Sex," Gail Collins, who came of age in the early 1960s, writes about her religious upbringing, when even starting to get aroused was a sin: "My friends and I were part of the last batch of American women to spend their adolescence being constantly lectured about sex by women who had never had any."

In "My Best Friend's Boyfriend," Fay Weldon describes losing her virginity at age 18 in 1949, when "sex was a dangerous thing, far more interesting and erotic than it is now."

In "Sex with a Stranger," Susan Cheever heard the same warnings as I did growing up in the 1950s: "They won't buy the cow if they get the milk for free." That didn't stop her from picking up men at parties. "The real danger of a one-night stand [isn't that] it will lead to nothing, but that it will lead to everything...Those who are not ready to have their life changed should probably abstain."

In "Going All the Way," Liz Smith writes about losing her virginity to her first cousin at 16 in 1939 in an "A plus" experience. "I don't remember if I had an orgasm," she writes, "I was so ecstatically having 'something' special happen that I didn't know if I was missing something else."

In "Herman and Margot," a short story about an 87-year-old woman and a 92-year-old man, Karen Abbott writes, "In the beginning they take things slowly, reveling in the irony of teasing time when they have so little of it left."

Sometimes the sex is good, often it's unsatisfying, bewildering, even "labia-shrivelling" (Jann Turner). It's always fascinating, the kinds of conversations we wish we could have with other women, but brilliantly written by top-notch writers.


Erica Jong

I kept noticing that the older women's essays had the coloring of decades-later perspective, and this was often the take-home message of the essay. We women not only enjoy having sex -- we also contemplate it afterwards as well as before! Even when the experience is less than fulfilling -- and many of them are! -- we learn from them and struggle to make better choices next time.

Jong writes that Anais Nin told her in 1971, "Women who write about sex are never taken seriously as writers."

"But that's why we must do it, Miss Nin," Jong countered. I agree!

Thank you, Erica Jong and all the writers in this anthology for taking on this mission with such purpose and craft. Exceptional book, highly recommended.

Sugar in My Bowl (the title is from a Bessie Smith blues song) has its own website here.

Joan Price Talks About Senior Sex: the video

2011-06-08T15:35:00.000-07:00

A few minutes ago, I shared the 1-1/2 minute book trailer video for Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex. That was the quickie video.

Want to know more? Below is the 3 minute video, containing some of the same content with more background and context. I discuss some of the myths about senior sex and share why I wrote both Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty and Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex.

As I say in the video, the two books are a team: Better Than I Ever Expected celebrates the joys of senior sex; Naked at Our Age tackles the problems head-on, with advice from the best experts in the field.

Of course, I have a lot more to say about senior sex than I can cover in 3 minutes. If you'd like to bring me to your city to talk out loud about ageless sexuality, see my speech topics and please contact me.

Many thanks to Mitch Rice and Stephen Rice for helping me create this video for you!

Enjoy!

View this video in YouTube by clicking here.

Learn more about Joan's books by clicking here.

Naked at Our Age book trailer video

2011-06-08T13:33:00.000-07:00

I am happy to share with you my new book trailer for Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex.

I'll have two videos, actually. The video below is the "quickie" version, just a minute and a half long.

Coming soon is the three-minute version, the one with a little more "foreplay" (I know, three minutes isn't enough foreplay at our age, if ever, but please humor me with this analogy). The longer version gives more of the background and context of the book. I'll post that one soon.

Many thanks to Mitch Rice and Stephen Rice

for bringing this vision to life for me!

To watch this video on YouTube, click here.

To learn more about Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex, click here.

Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex: preview of chapter titles

2011-05-30T18:25:00.000-07:00

I'm thrilled to announce that Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex from the fabulous publisher, Seal Press, is officially out on June 1, 2011!

Each chapter is filled with reader stories and questions, with advice from experts. Read the list of experts here, with links to their websites and books.

Take a look at the chapter titles -- and do let me know which chapter(s) you're particularly eager to read:

Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex
by Joan Price

Introduction

Foreword by Betty Dodson

Chapter 1. The Old Ways Don’t Do It Anymore!

Chapter 2. Reviving Desire

Chapter 3. Sex Toys: Now More Than Ever

Chapter 4. Together yet Alone: Is This My Marriage?

Chapter 5. Talking about Sex

Chapter 6. Off the Beaten Path: Nontraditional Sex Practices and Relationships

Chapter 7. Surviving Divorce, Breakup, Betrayal

Chapter 8. Sex with Myself

Chapter 9. Unlearning Our Upbringing: Women’s Stories

Chapter 10. Unlearning Our Upbringing: Men’s Stories

Chapter 11. When Sex Hurts: Vulvar/Vaginal Pain

Chapter 12. Reclaiming Sexuality After Cancer

Chapter 13. Erectile Dysfunction: What Men Don't Say Out Loud

Chapter 14. Erectile Dysfunction: Women Speak Out

Chapter 15. No Way Back: When Your Partner Has Alzheimer’s Disease

Chapter 16. Death, Grieving . . . and Then What?

Chapter 17. Sensuality for Hire

Chapter 18. DWO: Dating While Old(er)

Chapter 19. Safer Sex—Yes, At Our Age

Chapter 20. Better Now than Than Ever: the Joys of Older-Age Sex

Meet Our Experts

To purchase an autographed copy directly from me, click the PayPal "Buy Now" button below. I'll ship immediately!

You can also order now from Amazon.

If you haven't read my earlier senior sex book, Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty, I hope you will! It celebrates the joys of senior sex--including my spicy love story with Robert! Order an autographed copy from me here:
Or order from Better Than I Ever Expected on Amazon. It's also available as a Kindle edition.

He Said What? book review

2011-05-29T10:32:00.000-07:00

He Said What? wins the best title award! As if you couldn't tell what the memoir anthology from Victoria Zackheim is about, the subtitle is Women Write About Moments When Everything Changed.

I've read and enjoyed all Victoria Zackheim's anthologies. She's our age, and she knows the themes that affect our lives and haunt our memories. She has a knack for gathering top-notch writers to share their personal moments, and she's at the top of her game with He Said What?

Victoria Zackheim

The essays are powerful revelations of a moment when something a man said changed how a women saw herself, or made a life decision, or knew a relationship was over. As you'd guess, some of the personal essays (and they're very personal!) revolve around bad boys, bad dates, bad lovers, bad husbands, and bad liars. But sometimes the man uttering the life altering words is a father, a teacher, a doctor, or a brother, and sometimes they're not bad people, just bearers of bad news.

Some of the essays are funny, especially those about the "demented dance of dating," as Jane Ganahl calls it. Some are searing. All are worth reading.

Most of the writers in this anthology are over 50, Zackheim tells me. Sometimes you can tell that from the context of the essay: a 6th grade bathroom in 1964; a miniskirt, tie-died shirt, or Grateful Dead song at 15; marrying a naval officer before he ships out to Vietnam. Writing these essays with the perspective of decades after the pivotal event makes them even more powerful to a reader, especially readers our age.

I'll bet this review is making you think about which "He Said What?" incident you'd choose. Please feel free to comment with your own memory here. Men, "She Said What?" memories are welcome, too!

Sharing Body Heat

2011-05-20T10:43:00.000-07:00

"Sharing Body Heat" started as a blog post, then changed and developed into a longer personal essay about love and loss that I submitted to the Modern Love column of the New York Times. Modern Love rejected it.

Then I discovered Modern Love Rejects, a new website with a fabulous idea -- they would publish the best of the essays that Modern Love rejected! "Sharing Body Heat" appears on their website today -- read it in its entirety by clicking here.

Sharing Body Heat

by Joan Price

I crawled into Robert’s bed and wrapped my body around his. If I could only get close enough to make the last hour, the last months, disappear. If I could magically erase the despair, the finality of our separation.

I hugged Robert tightly, my own need to be close to him one more time overriding his lack of responsiveness. I wailed his name and listened to his silence, remembering his murmurs, his words of love. I nuzzled my face into his neck as I had many times before, but there was no warmth, no “I love you, sweetheart,” no kiss on the top of my head, no strong arms pulling me into him.

I covered his thigh with mine, snaking my arm under his pajama top so that I could stroke the chest hair I had first touched seven years before. I willed him to respond.

But he didn’t.

I willed him to come back to life.

But he didn’t.

"Do you need some time alone with your husband before the mortuary takes his body away?" the hospice nurse asked me gently. I nodded, shut the bedroom door, turned off the light, and crawled into bed with Robert’s dead body....

Read the rest of this essay by clicking here.

What did Dean Edell, Candida Royalle, Peggy Brick, and Pepper Schwartz say about Naked at Our Age?

2011-05-17T11:46:00.000-07:00

On the back of Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex, you'll see glowing testimonials from Dr. Dean Edell, Candida Royalle, Peggy Brick, and Pepper Schwartz.

Due to space, those testimonials on the back had to be abridged, but here I can share the entirety of what these amazing people wrote. I'm grateful, even tearful, to see the response this book is getting already!

“At last the void is filled. Hang on, because Naked at Our Age breaks all the barriers and goes where ordinary books on this subject dare not….some readers may be shocked and challenged, and others delighted by this bold, direct, honest and completely uncensored approach. An eye opening challenge for anyone who dares to think that sex ends at 60. The message is clear...as far as sex in the senior years.… the best is yet to come. While this groundbreaking book will have some of you blushing, you won’t put it down."

- DEAN EDELL MD, Emmy Award-winning host of the Dr. Dean Edell Program, and author of the best-selling book, Eat, Drink and Be Merry. (Scroll down to view Dr. Edell debunking the circumcision of African men to prevent the spread of AIDS.)

"Told through the voices of real people interspersed with great advice from smart professionals, Naked at Our Age is an important resource for anyone who wants to keep pleasure and sensuality in their lives as they move in to their later years. I especially like Joan Price’s warm and supportive tone and her ability to get people to share their stories, from which we learn a lot!"

- CANDIDA ROYALLE, Pioneer of woman-friendly erotica and author of How to Tell a Naked Man What to Do.

"Joan Price tells it like it is, 'The Old Ways Don’t Do It Anymore!' Then, with irresistible enthusiasm, she tackles all the outdated expectations and promotes a plethora of new ways to celebrate sexuality throughout the later years. Poignant quotations from seniors aged 50 to 90 illustrate the distress caused by the common sexual problems of aging. Succinct responses by professionals describe a rich variety of alternatives. 'Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex' is exactly what we do in my course, 'Older, Wiser, Sexually Smarter,' so Naked At Our Age will be the perfect text.

- PEGGY BRICK, M.ED, CSE, President, Sexuality and Aging Consortium at Widener University; co-author, Older, Wiser, Sexually Smarter: 30 Sex Ed Lessons for Adults Only

"Naked at our Age is a terrific book for adults of any age-- but especially written for Baby Boomers and beyond. I loved the mix of voices- personal stories, various expert's advice- and no sugar coating anywhere- just facts, feelings, and how to have fun. There is plenty of advice - from dating to safer sex-- but most importantly, the impact of the book is as much inspirational as it is educational. Reading this book will help women and their partners understand their sexuality better, negotiate what they want more successfully, and make it more likely that sex will be a comfort and thrill their whole life long."

- PEPPER SCHWARTZ, PHD Past President of the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, author, Prime: Adventures and Advice about Sex, Love and the Sensual Years

Order an autographed copy directly from me -- be sure to let me know to whom to autograph it -- by clicking the PayPal button below...

Or order from Amazon here.

=====

If you are a Dr. Dean Edell fan, as I am, you've heard his arguments against circumcision. In this video, Edell debunks circumcision as AIDs prevention in Africa:

Did you tell your story in Naked at Our Age?

2011-05-13T10:39:00.000-07:00

I've emailed all of you whose stories appear in Naked at Our Age and all our experts about receiving a copy of the book. Several emails to my interviewees came back as undeliverable. If you should have received an email from me but didn't, please email me now with your updated address. I hope you see this!

If you aren't in the book but you sure want to read it, yes, it's available now! Read about it on my website here and in previous blog posts here.

Order an autographed copy directly from me -- be sure to let me know to whom to autograph it -- by clicking the PayPal button below...

Or order from Amazon here.

I am thrilled by the compelling reader stories and the immediately helpful advice and action tips from our experts. I know you will learn plenty and enjoy it thoroughly!

Meet the Experts of Naked at Our Age

2011-05-08T23:57:00.000-07:00

Meet the Experts

Naked at Our Age:

Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex

by Joan Price

Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex is unique because it presents real people, ages 50 to 80-plus, telling their stories and describing their sexual challenges, with immediately helpful tips and solutions from top sexuality educators, therapists, and medical professionals.

I am indebted to these experts for contributing their valuable advice. I encourage you to read their books and explore their websites to see what else they have to offer.

Isadora Alman, MFT is a board-certified sexologist, California-licensed relationship therapist, and author of Doing It: Real People Having Really Good Sex. Her Ask Isadora advice column has appeared in news weeklies worldwide for more than twenty-five years. Visit her website at www.askisadora.com.

Lori Anafarta, MA, LAMFT is the clinical director and founder of Beyond Diagnosis Counseling, LLC, in St. Paul and Forest Lake, Minnesota. Visit her website at www.BeyondDiagnosisCounseling.com.

Megan Andelloux is a board certified sexuality educator (AASECT) and sexologist (ACS), who lectures at colleges, works as a gynecological teaching assistant and runs The Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health in Pawtucket, RI. Visit her website at www.ohmegan.com.

Charles (Chip) August is a Personal Growth and Couples Intimacy Coach, host of Sex, Love & Intimacy, an internet radio show, and author of Marital Passion: The Sexless Marriage Makeover. Visit his website at www.chipaugust.com.

Ellen Barnard, MSSW is a sex educator and counselor on topics of aging and sexuality, cancer and sexuality, and facilitating intimacy at the end of life. She is the co-owner of A Woman's Touch Sexuality Resource Center, www.sexualityresources.com.

Libby Bennett, PsyD and Ginger Holczer, PsyD are clinical psychologists and coauthors of Finding and Revealing Your Sexual Self: A Guide to Communicating about Sex. Visit their website at www.psychobabbledocs.com.

Violet Blue is the author and editor of more than a dozen books on sexuality, including The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus: How to Go Down on a Women and Give Her Exquisite Pleasure. She is a sex educator who lectures at universities and community colleges. Visit her website at www.tinynibbles.com.

Sage Bolte, PhD, MSW, LCSW, OSW-C is an oncology counselor at Life with Cancer®, an Inova Health System service in northern Virginia. Visit the website at www.lifewithcancer.org.

Stephanie Buehler, PsyD is a licensed psychologist and sex therapist, and director of The Buehler Institute in Irvine, California. Visit her blog about sex and intimacy at www.theblogerotic.com.

Michael Castleman, MA is the author of twelve books, including Great Sex: The Man’s Guide to the Secrets of Whole-Body Sensuality and Sexual Solutions: For Men and the Women Who Love Them. Visit his website about sex after midlife, www.GreatSexAfter40.com.

Michele Cauch, MA, MSW is the executive director of Toronto-based SageHealth Network, www.sagehealthnetwork.com, an agency promoting seniors’ sexual health and positive aging. Visit her blog at www.seniorsex.blogspot.com.

Glenda Corwin, PhD, author of Sexual Intimacy for Women: A Guide for Same Sex Couples, is a clinical psychologist providing gay-affirmative psychotherapy and sexual-intimacy workshops for women who partner with women. Visit her website at www.drglendacorwin.com.

Carol Denker is the author of Autumn Romance: Stories and Portraits of Love after 50. Visit her website at www.autumnlove.org.

Barb DePree, MD is a women’s health provider specializing in menopause care in West Michigan. She founded MiddlesexMD to help women enjoy sexuality for life, offering clinically sound information, practical advice, and intimacy aids. Visit her website at http://middlesexmd.com/.

Jed Diamond, PhD, author of Male Menopause and Mr. Mean: Saving Your Relationship from the Irritable Male Syndrome, is a psychotherapist working with men and women over forty. Visit his website at www.MenAlive.com.

Betty Dodson, PhD, artist, author, and sexologist, has been a voice for women's sexual pleasure and health for more than three decades. Her books include Betty Dodson: My Sexual Revolution, Sex for One: the Joy of Selfloving, and Orgasms for Two: The Joy of Partnersex. Visit her website at www.dodsonandross.com.

Dossie Easton, a long time player on the San Francisco S/M scene, is coauthor with Janet Hardy of several books on BDSM, including The Ethical Slut and When Someone You Love Is Kinky. She is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice. Visit her website at www.dossieeaston.com.

Yvonne K. Fulbright, PhD, MSEd is a certified sex educator and the author of several books, including Sultry Sex Talk to Seduce Any Lover, Better Sex Guide to Extraordinary Lovemaking, and The Hot Guide to Safer Sex. Visit her websites at www.yvonnekfulbright.com and www.sensualfusion.com.

Francesca Gentillé is a clinical sexologist, relationship counselor, and contributing author to The Marriage of Sex & Spirit. She hosts the Internet radio show, Sex: Tantra & Kama Sutra. Visit her website at www.lifedancecenter.com.

Charlie Glickman, PhD is the Education Program Manager at Good Vibrations. He offers workshops and classes on a wide range of sexuality topics including sex-positivity, sex and shame, and sexual diversity and practices. Visit his website at http://www.charlieglickman.com/.

Joe Hanson is a life coach, grief and loss counselor, and the author of Soaring Into Acceptance: Moving through Change and Loss and into Acceptance. Visit his website at www.lifelessons.info.

Gerald Haslam is the author of eighteen books, including Grace Period, a novel about prostate cancer, and the editor of eight anthologies. Visit his website at www.geraldhaslam.com.

Ken Haslam, MD, leads workshops educating senior citizens to be comfortable about their changing sexuality. He is a ten-year polyamory activist who founded a collection of polyamory archives at the Kinsey Institute, Indiana University, Bloomington, Indiana.

Dr. David Hersh is clinical director of The Hersh Centre for Sexual Wellness. He is a sexologist, psychotherapist, and marital therapist in private practice, with offices in Calgary, Alberta; Nelson, British Columbia; and San Francisco, California. Visit his website at www.sexualwellness.ca.

Anne Katz, RN, PhD is the author of Woman Cancer Sex, Man Cancer Sex, and Breaking the Silence on Cancer and Sexuality: A Handbook for Health Care Providers. She is the sexuality counselor at CancerCare Manitoba in Canada. Visit her website at www.drannekatz.com.

Susan Kellogg Spadt, PhD, CRNP is a vulvovaginal pain specialist and Director of Sexual Medicine at the Pelvic and Sexual Health Institute of Philadelphia, www.pelvicandsexualhealthinstitute.org.

Daniel Kuhn, MSW is Community Educator for the LIFE Institute of Rainbow Hospice and Palliative Care, based in Park Ridge, Illinois. He has authored or coauthored more than fifty publications, including Alzheimer’s Early Stages: First Steps for Family, Friends and Caregivers.

Erica Manfred, divorced at sixty, is the author of He’s History You're Not: Surviving Divorce After Forty. Visit her website at www.heshistory.com.

Michele Marsh, PhD is a certified sex therapist and licensed psychologist practicing at the Council for Relationships in Wynnewood and Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. She works with people of all ages and uses EMDR for trauma resolution.

Susana Mayer, PhD is a board certified clinical sexologist with a doctorate in human sexuality. Her Ageless Sex Life™ is a philosophy and program of techniques to assist with sexual drive/desire issues. Visit her website at www.SusanaMayer.com .

Laurie Mintz, PhD is a licensed psychologist, professor at the University of Missouri, author of A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex: Reclaim Your Desire and Reignite Your Relationship, [] and a tired woman who has regained her once-lost passion. Visit her website at www.drlauriemintz.com.

Loren A. Olson, MD is a board-certified clinical psychiatrist, recognized as a Distinguished Life Fellow by the American Psychiatric Association, and author of Finally Out. Visit his blog for mature gay men at www.magneticfire.com.

Lou Paget is the author of five books, including How to be a Great Lover and How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure, translated into 28 languages; CEO of Frankly Speaking Inc.; an AASECT Certified Sex Educator; and a regular media expert on all things sexual. Visit her website at www.loupaget.com.

Carol Queen, PhD is a writer, speaker, educator, and activist with a doctorate in sexology. She is Staff Sexologist at Good Vibrations, and founding director of the Center for Sex & Culture. Visit her website at www.carolqueen.com.

Marnia Robinson, science journalist, is the author of Cupid's Poisoned Arrow: From Habit to Harmony in Sexual Relationships. Visit her website at www.reuniting.info.

Candida Royalle, known for pioneering the genre of woman-friendly erotic films and the Natural Contours line of intimate massagers, is the author of How to Tell a Naked Man What to Do. Visit her website at www.candidaroyalle.com.

Rebekah Skoor, MA, MS, iMFT is a professor of Sexuality Studies and Counseling in San Francisco, California. She also counsels individuals, couples, and families, specializing in relationships and healing from interpersonal trauma. Visit her website at www.rebekahskoor.com.

Jeane Taylor, LCSW, a psychotherapist in private practice in Santa Rosa, California, has been helping people for more than thirty years.

Tina B. Tessina, PhD, “Dr. Romance,” is a licensed psychotherapist and author of thirteen books, including How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free and The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again. Visit her website at www.tinatessina.com and blog at http://drromance.typepad.com/dr_romance_blog.

Yolanda (Landi) Turner, EdD is a therapist who specializes in online relationships. She is a professor at Eastern University (St. Davids, Pennsylvania) and Widener University (Chester, Pennsylvania). Visit her website at www.drlanditurner.com.

Rabbi Ed Weinsberg, EdD, DD, specializes in reigniting intimacy after cancer. He is a prostate-cancer survivor and author of Conquer Prostate Cancer: How Medicine, Faith, Love and Sex Can Renew Your Life with Robert Carey, MD. Visit his website at www.ConquerProstateCancer.com.

Diana Wiley, PhD is a board-certified sex therapist, clinical sexologist, marriage and family therapist, and gerontologist affiliated with the Seattle Institute for Sex Therapy, Education and Research. Visit her website at www.DrDianaWiley.com.

Myrtle Wilhite, MD, MS is a physician and epidemiologist who specializes in prevention strategies to help maintain sexual health and wellness. She is the co-owner of A Woman's Touch Sexuality Resource Center, www.sexualityresources.com.

Or order from Amazon here.

How did your mother's teachings about sexuality affect you?

2011-05-08T11:01:00.000-07:00

Let's do something different here for Mother's Day: Looking back, how did your mother's teachings about sexuality affect how you matured, interacted in relationships, saw yourself as a sexual being, enjoyed your sexuality?

I started this topic on our Naked at Our Age Facebook page (which I hope you'll like), and the responses were so honest and valuable that I decided the topic deserves a bigger forum. I hope you'll add your comments. You don't have to use your real name, but please tell us your age so we can see how the era in which we were raised affected what we were taught about sex.

I have two chapters in Naked at Our Age called "Unlearning Our Upbringing" -- one with women's stories, one with men's stories. They're poignant, provocative, compelling. At a certain point we either look at our upbringing and realize it doesn't serve us any more, and we change -- or we don't.

I know I'm only asking about mothers here, but we'll do this later on for Father's Day, too!

Mr. Evasive and the date that didn't happen

2011-05-07T11:00:00.000-07:00

A year ago, I knew I wasn't ready to date yet (see grief posts), but I wanted to start getting social and meet new people. I was planning a week in New York City for a conference, so I decided to explore finding a few dates for my time there.

I joined OK Cupid and perused the NYC options. I emailed several.

Most weren't interested in meeting with someone from across the country who wouldn't be a relationship possibility, but a couple were intrigued. I ended up meeting one man for a gym workout and a walk. (Tthat's my kind of date!) There were no sparks between us, but it was pleasant.

What I really want to tell you about is the date I did NOT have. I'll call him Mr. Evasive.

Mr. Evasive's profile was appealing and we had plenty in common -- both writers, dancers, teachers, readers, exercisers. We had a jaunty exchange of emails, and finally agreed to meet during my trip. But he never gave me his real name (just his handle) or his phone number. Whoops. I kept asking.

Finally, I'm in NY and he's emailing me plans for our meeting. I replied that he still hadn't told me his full, real name, and that was a prerequisite for meeting.

He admitted that his profile was not completely honest. He shrouded anything identifiable because he needed privacy -- he was "sort of famous" in his profession. He suggested that we meet in at Grand Central Station and he would produce ID and let me phone his workplace for confirmation. But only after we meet in person.

Here are excepts from his long response:

I am older than my stated age.
I'm better looking and better educated than I present myself, and younger in ways that matter.
I am on a site that any felon can get on with any gender age or whatever, looking for ID's to steal.
What you write includes fun, instructive, examples of stories from real people. I do Not want to be one, OK?

My response? Exactly what you'd expect:

No, it's not okay that you won't give me your name until we meet (that's completely against my personal requirements for dating, even for dating once). No, it's not okay that you tell me you've posted lies but I should believe you. And I'm a professional writer who writes personal experience, so I don't agree not to write about you if we meet. I think it's best not to meet after all.

Now I'm planning another trip to NY in July -- should I try again?

Senior Sex & Vibrators: Myths & Facts

2011-05-05T11:30:00.000-07:00

You're asking intriguing questions about sex toys and senior sex lately, both out loud and by email, and I'm hearing some misconceptions I'd like to clear up. I welcome your comments.

Q: Doesn't using a vibrator decrease sensitivity over time so I won't have orgasms as easily?

A: Actually, it's the opposite. As we age, we get less blood flow to the clitoris and vagina, and the vaginal walls get thinner. Most of us need more arousal time and more time to reach orgasm after we're aroused. Vibrators enhance sensitivity by increasing blood flow to the genitals quickly and powerfully, and by directly stimulating the clitoris. (The clitoris is our #2 pleasure hot spot -- #1 is our brain!)

Q: My lover is worried that if I use a vibrator, I'll prefer it to him.

A: Not a chance. A vibrator may give you quicker orgasms (that's what it's made for, after all), but it doesn't cuddle well or kiss or laugh, and pillow talk with a vibrator is really boring. It either buzzes or it doesn't. It's a dull companion -- except when you need a sexual assist.

Q: My lover says I should reach orgasm "naturally" and not have to use a sex toy.

A: I hate those "should's." Point out to him where his penis contacts you during intercourse vs. where your clitoris resides. And when he arouses you manually, which I hope he does, point out that he's less likely to get carpal tunnel syndrome from your long arousal time if he incorporates a vibrator in arousal play. That's right, it's not a choice between him or it -- make it a threesome: the two of you using the vibrator together.

Q: I had two friends who burned themselves with sex toys. Aren't they dangerous?

A: The cheaper ones are cheap for a reason. They generally have no quality standards in materials or construction -- they're called "novelty items," and I don't recommend them. If your eyes widen at the price of the vibrators I recommend on this blog, consider that I only recommend safe products of medical-grade materials, careful construction, and the best design and function for our older (still sexually passionate!) bodies. You're paying for research & development and high-quality material that won't degrade, leach chemicals, break, overheat, or burn. That's also why I recommend shopping in woman-friendly sex shops (brick-and-mortar or online) with an emphasis on health and education, like the ones I link to.

Q: I've been reading your blog for three years, and suddenly it's sex toys, sex toys, sex toys.

A: I've been a widow since August 2008. 'Nuff said?

Please see my many other posts about sex toys here, including reviews of specific products, with links to retailers I personally endorse because they value women and men of our age and treat us well.

Note to retailers: Do not spam my comments section, because I'll delete any comment that takes my readers to a retail site I have not endorsed. If you think you should be included in the retailers I endorse, contact me personally. Thank you.

-- Joan

I-Vibe Rabbit: "It's not you, it's me"

2011-05-03T13:17:00.000-07:00

"It's not you, it's me," I said to my I-Vibe Rabbit, a dual-action vibrator made by Doc Johnson and sent to me for review by the nice folks at SexToy.com. There's a lot to love here, but it's not my perfect toy.

I loved the shape and cuteness of this vibrator. I liked that the shaft has a penis head and isn't too girthy, and the clitoral part (shaped more like a dolphin than a rabbit, though vibrators of this type are called "rabbits") is flexible.

But for other reasons, this toy won't be one I reach for often.

It's a handful -- 10 inches total length (5.5 of that is insertable) -- uses 4 AA batteries, and becomes a bit heavy for arthritic wrists when we need to keep it going for a long time, as we seniors do. That may or may not be a problem for you -- it was for me. It made me wonder why we weren't designed with longer arms, then I wouldn't have had to extend my reach and crook my wrist to hold it properly angled. Like I said, it's me -- if you have longer arms proportionate to your torso length, you'll wonder what I'm talking about.

Another problem for me was the "pearls" that rotate in the shaft. This initially seemed like a good idea -- the penis head rotates (it seems to wave, actually, very cute) and the pearls jump around. But before long, the pearls were irritating. Fortunately, the clitoral and shaft vibrations have independent levels of intensity, but even at the lightest level, the pearls became unsexy, and I ended up turning off the shaft vibrations altogether.

The control panel that looks complicated is actually easy to use. There are three different functions: F1 vibrates the clitoral stimulator (I'll call this part the "ears") fast and rotates the shaft. F2 vibrates the ears slowly and swings the shaft front to back and side to side. F3 pulses the ears and rotates the head and reverses directions. Each function can be powered to go faster/more intensely or slower/less intensely.

Don't worry if all this seems to be too much to figure out -- just try pressing buttons, and find what you like. If you're operating this vibrator in the dark, you'll get a laugh from all the lights -- I felt like air traffic control guiding the I-Vibe home. I didn't manage to capture the light show in the photo, but it's showy.

The I-Vibe is supposed to be waterproof, though I didn't try it in water. Let me know if you try it in the tub. (I don't have a tub, so I rely on my readers for this and much more!) As with all vibrators, be sure to remove the batteries when not in use.

Thank you, SexToys.com, retailer of Sex Toys, for sending me the I-Vibe.

Andy, 44, turned on by women 60+

2011-04-19T16:15:00.000-07:00

I often hear from younger men who tell me they desire older women.

Sometimes their emails are short and consist of abbreviations (hey, guys, emails to me shouldn't read like a tweet!), which makes me wonder how they would handle a slow-burning, older woman.

Occasionally they invite me to share a romp--or, in one case, a shower. Sorry, fellows, I'm flattered, but I need to get to know (and like) a man first.

Usually, though, they're the kind of reader emails that I love: respectful and earnestly trying to gain useful information or share a story. For example, I recently heard from Andy, age 44, a British man who gave me permission to share what he wrote me:

I am exactly the type of man you so often write about. When I was just 15, I would look at my mother's friends and fantasize. Later on at night I would lie in bed and imagine making love to them. I would conjure up scenarios in my mind and imagine the spontaneity and excitement of it all.

As I get older, I find myself wanting women of 60-plus. My mates think I'm strange, weird - some even think I'm sick. But what turns me on is not so much their physical appearance but that they are so turned on themselves during the course of our love making.

I would far rather make love to a highly excited 60-year-old woman than a drop-dead gorgeous figure of 22 years who acts like a mannequin.

Right now, I am finding myself flirting with an older woman yet again. She is 70 and clearly very sexually frustrated. She flirts with me and has said in no uncertain terms if she was 30 years younger she would be "hitting on me real hard." Wow - I got so turned on when she said that. I think something might happen soon.

I suggest he tell her, "You don't need to be 30 years younger -- you're perfect the way you are!"

Anything you'd like to say to Andy?

For more posts about younger men/older women, click here.

No Squeals for the Sqweel

2011-04-17T11:48:00.000-07:00

I wish I loved the Sqweel. It's a great idea -- a rotating wheel of fluttering mini-tongues lapping away for your pleasure. I knew it wouldn't/couldn't really feel like a lover's tongue, but I hoped for sensations close enough for my fantasy to take over. Nope, didn't happen.

Good news first: It's cleverly designed. The soft tongues are on a wheel that rotates inside a case that you hold. Press the tongues gently against the clitoris, and the stimulation begins.The controls at the end (off, low, medium, high) are easy to use without looking.

The tongue wheel comes out easily for cleaning and snaps in securely for use. The case has a cover section for storage.

Use plenty of lube, especially if you have pubic hair (yes, many of us still do!), because otherwise the rotating tongues will grab your hairs. Another reviewer described "rug burn" when she didn't use enough lube -- my guess is that she didn't have public hair.

It takes three AAA batteries, easy to insert. Remove the batteries when you store it -- I didn't, and the batteries were dead when I picked it up a month later.

My disappointment was twofold:

(1) The vibrations aren't strong enough -- sort of mid-strong, but not super-strong -- and pressing harder makes the wheel slow down, so you have to avoid pressing. If you don't need super strong, it might be just fine for you.

(2) Because the Sqweel is so large and covers so much of your personal real estate, there's no space left if you want to add an insertable toy at the same time. Sorry, but that's a deal breaker for me! Babeland's description says it can be used during couple sex ("hold it against your clit during penetration"), but I can't imagine how this might be done. Let me know if you've managed it. I suppose you could hold it sideways instead of up-and-down, but the sideways sensation was too odd for me.

I know many reviewers love this toy, so don't dismiss it if my personal objections don't hit home with you. It's not a bad toy, it just doesn't work for me.

Thank you , Babeland, for the opportunity to try the Sqweel!

10 Tips for Hot Solo Senior Sex

2011-04-12T11:34:00.000-07:00

4/12/11: I just updated these tips, originally posted 12/24/10 in response to my 10 Tips for Hot Sex after Sixty, which was aimed at couples. We’re not all in sexual relationships, and self-pleasuring is so important at our age! Here are some tips for enjoying hot SOLO senior sex.

10 Tips for Hot Solo Senior Sex

By Joan Price

Senior sex isn't just partner sex. Many of us don't have partners, yet keeping our sexual selves vibrant and health is crucial for many reasons. It's true that if we don't use it, we lose it -- and that's true for both women and men.

When we have less hormonal rush to stay sexual, especially if we're without a partner and maybe blue about that, we can fall into a pattern where we don't think as much about sexual pleasure, and we don't give it to ourselves. Arousal and orgasms may feel second-rate and inconsequential, and sometimes just too much trouble.

Instead, let's see our marvelous bodies as still capable of pleasure, and let's nurture that. We have the capacity -- and the responsibility! -- to keep ourselves fully functioning by pleasuring ourselves, discovering what feels good (it may have changed, so don't assume that of course you know) and what it takes to make our brains and body parts sing. Let's celebrate that we don't have to close down just because we're older and partnerless. Indeed, let's enjoy what we can offer ourselves.

Here are some tips for bringing the sizzle back to your sex life -- on your own!

1. Plan for solo sex. At this time of life, we need slow arousal and gradual build-up. So set aside enough private time to enjoy the journey without rushing. Set up whatever you need for comfort, such as special pillows. Shut off distractions like phone and computer, lock the door, and settle in for pleasure.

2. Enjoy solo sex during high energy times. When do you feel most sexually charged? When you first wake up? After morning coffee and a good poop? Mid-afternoon? That’s when to indulge in a solitary romp, rather than after a meal when you’re digesting or at night when your sensations are shutting down. When you feel the tingle, indulge it!

3. Create your own foreplay. Do sexy things that get you in the mood. Remember hot times with a special lover. Read erotica, play special songs, watch porn (or, if you prefer, a movie with a star who always turns you on), write sexy thoughts in your journal, take a waterproof vibrator into the bath or shower -- whatever starts your path to arousal. Appreciate, decorate, and celebrate your body with lingerie, silk, velvet, massage oil, candlelight--whatever feels good and puts you in the mood.

4. Use a silky lubricant. Don’t just settle for the drugstore variety -- there are many different varieties of lubricants for moisture and slickness that feel great and bring back the joy of friction, whether we’re using our hands or a toy. Experiment to find your favorites. Keep the lube within reach so you can reapply frequently.

5. Explore sex toys and other erotic helpers. Our hormonally challenged bodies may need extra help to reach orgasm these days, and our wrists may tire before we reach our goal. Women: try a clitoral vibrator, with or without a dildo, depending whether you like the feeling of a full vagina. (Read the many vibrator reviews on this blog to help you choose.) Men: try a sleeve, cock ring, or prostate stimulator. Lucky for us that sex toys for both genders are easy to find, fun to try, and wow, do they work!

6. Fantasize. Let yourself explore fantasy scenes and partners, no limits. Let your brain (your main sex organ!) indulge in whatever arouses you. Be open to whatever comes into your mind, even if it is something you would not do in real life or with someone you consider off limits. No fantasy is “wrong,” and no one has to know what images or scenarios turn you on. Just go with it.

7. Be physical in daily life. Walking, biking, dancing, yoga, Pilates, lifting weights, and other forms of exercise all enhance blood flow and get you in touch with your own physicality. This translates to your sexual arousal because the blood flows to your genitals as well as to your muscles, making arousal easier and faster. Plus you mentally feel “in your body.”

8. Realize that your solo practice not only gives you pleasure, it’s important for health. Experts recommend at least one orgasm a week for both men and women for genital health and for heart health as well. Weekly orgasms keep the pelvic floor strong and the nerves firing, boost the immune system, and reduce the risk of incontinence, depression, and heart disease. Men – regular orgasms are important for prostate health.

9. If you think you’re not in the mood, do it anyway. It’s too easy to put solo sex on the back burner, and once we’re out of the habit, it’s harder to get revved up again. This is especially true at our age, when our hormones are no longer screaming for release. So reread tips #1-8, and just do it. You’ll find that the physical arousal will happen, that that will trigger your emotional arousal, and that triggers more physical arousal, until it’s all working just right.

10. Don’t think of solo sex as “settling for” a substitute for partner sex. You’re celebrating your own sexuality, glorying in your body’s capability of pleasing you, and enjoying the journey. This is a gift you can give yourself whenever you want, and isn’t that wonderful?

(These tips are copyright 2010-2011 by Joan Price and may not be reprinted without permission from Joan Price. Thank you!)

Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex after Sixty is available from www.joanprice.com (personally autographed) or from Amazon.

Or order from Amazon here.

Big Sex Little Death by Susie Bright: book review

2011-04-07T13:08:00.000-07:00

Sex. Drugs. Rock and roll. If that were the whole story of Big Sex Little Death, Susie Bright's memoir of the '60s and '70s, it would be enough.

But this brilliant memoir is much more, revealing Susie's own childhood abuse and her commitment to social and political activism as a high school drop-out, the underbelly of the cultural/ sexual/ political movement, the heady thrill of working to make a difference in the world, and the bewilderment of being betrayed by the people she least expected to betray her.

I knew Susie Bright as a sexuality writer, but until this book from Seal Press, I had no idea how smart and deep she was. She's the historian that the sixties need -- a clear-eyed view of protesters, activists (many emotionally damaged), and those who went along for the ride.

Yes, there's plenty of sex, too, but for much of the book, it's body parts that go bump, devoid of passion, emotional connection, or even pleasure. That's part of the sixties political and sexual "revolution" that we're embarrassed to admit now: women were expected to have sex freely but we weren't supposed to expect our partners to have any clue about satisfying us. Still, part of Susie's fantasy was true, at least some of the time:

Women wouldn't be catty. No one would bother to be jealous. Who would have the time? Sex would be friendly and kind and fun. You'd get to see what everyone was like in bed. You'd learn things in bed... Exclusivity would be for bores and babies.

Susie doesn't glamorize the sexual/feminist revolution or gloss over the deep disillusions when women fought each other (she got death threats for her pro-pornography stance), betrayed each other, and, through it all, loved each other.

For me, the most interesting part of Big Sex Little Death was the story behind On Our Backs, the lesbian magazine that Susie co-founded. Before On Our Backs, female models, from fashion ads to male magazine centerfolds, "were shot the same way kittens and puppies are photographed for holiday calendars: in fetching poses, with no intentions of their own." In contrast, "The great relief of dyke porn," writes Susie, "was that all that went out the window. We had an objective on our minds... we had a sexual story to tell."

I hope these snippets encourage you to read Big Sex Little Death for yourself -- it's an engrossing read, and guaranteed to be more than you expect.

FYI, my favorite line from the book: "My dominatrix friend Tina once told me, 'I'm not spanking Republicans anymore. I've had it.'"

Have you read Big Sex Little Death? I invite you to comment!

Senior Sex Activism: a Love Letter to My Readers

2011-04-01T09:10:00.000-07:00

On October 6, 2005, I wrote my first blog post:

Welcome to Better Than I Ever Expected!
My book, Better Then I Ever Expected: Straight Talk About Sex After Sixty (Seal Press), will be out in January 2006. Please see here for a description of this sassy, sexy book combining my personal story with tips and tales from lusty, sexually seasoned women.

We're proving that our society's view of older women as sexless is wrong, wrong, wrong.

I'd like to invite you --whether or not you're a woman over sixty -- to participate in discussions of ageless sexuality. Please choose a first name of your choice and your age to identify yourself, and feel free to post comments and questions regarding this hot and important topic.

To start you out, what makes sex after sixty better than you ever expected, personally?

I'd like your candid views, and I hope you'll express them respectfully so that all women will feel welcome to read and post, and won't feel they've wandered into a sleazy place. Thank you, and welcome to our community!

Joan Price

In the past 5.5 years, so much has happened, personally and professionally. Better Than I Ever Expected and I received much media attention --we still do! -- and I found myself the spokesperson for senior sex. What had started as a mission to normalize the idea of people over 60 enjoying sex and daring to talk out loud about it became a huge groundswell. I thank you for the part you played in this movement.

Thank you for making this blog a center of that movement by reading and commenting, showing other readers that we have a community of seniors and elders -- men as well as women now! -- discussing sex openly and respectfully in a manner that's welcoming even to people who are not used to discussing their sex lives.

Because of you, one book led to the next one: Men said to me, "What about us?" and both men and women said, "Great that you're celebrating senior sex, but I'm having a lousy sex life and here's my problem...." I realized that my next book needed to be aimed at both genders, and needed to address the problems and offer solutions. It also needed to include your stories, because we've never shared our stories in public before.

Our youth-oriented society may still be saying "Ick!" to the idea of people our age getting naked, loving the pleasures our bodies can give us, loving each other (wrinkles and all!) and finding ways to stay sexually vibrant whether we're partnered or not -- but society can't pretend it isn't happening!

Thank you for that. I'm honored that you've chosen to join me in talking out loud about senior sex!

Warmly,

Joan Price

Or order from Amazon here.

As always, I invite your comments!

Senior Strip with Centrum Silver

2011-03-26T11:15:00.000-07:00

I don't know how I missed this commercial and the ensuing brouhaha in 2007, but I'm on it now! Watch this Centrum Silver commericial before you read on:

So how did you respond to this? I admit I laughed, I enjoyed it. But as a self-professed advocate for ageless sexuality, was I supposed to find it offensive? Hmmmm.

Does it make fun of old people who have sexual thoughts/actions, or does it shout the message that we're never too old to be sexually adventuresome (even if only in our own mind)? Are the old people the brunt of the joke, or is it the shocked staffer in the doorway? Clearly part of the message is that we see ourselves as younger than others see us, and we do! Not to this extreme, of course -- that's what makes the video funny.

[Aside: This past week I tried on clothes in front of a well-lighted, 3-way mirror in an upscale store and faced my body in underwear with dismay. I preferred the view ten pounds ago -- and before my cataract surgery! And lest you draw my attention to my "Older women wear lingerie" post, thank you, but let's just say that parts have been shifting, plumping, and loosening since then. Since I hate the stereotype that wrinkles can't be sexy and we're supposed to be a certain size and shape, I'm owning my body as it is now. Just had to tell you that, though.]

Ronni Bennett

Back to the commercial -- I went looking for commentary on it from seniors, and found that elderblogger Ronni Bennett posted about this video in 2007. (If you don't follow Ronni's blog, Time Goes By: what it's really like to get older, you should.) She quotes Chuck Nyren, who writes a blog,
Advertising to Baby Boomers, and said in his post about this commerical that the elders in the last scene should have been hot looking Boomers.

Chuck Nyren

Although I agree with Nyren that the ad would have appealed more to Boomers that way, isn't that propagating the stereotype that the age for feeling sexy stops at 61? What do you think?